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El Jumpingbean is Moving... (to The Daily Refried)


El jumpingbean is now The Daily Refried.  Come visit El Guapo at The Daily Refried (www.thedailyrefried.com).  Help fight the shamelessness in our world...



Dear Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker: Super Villain Rule #1: Don’t Give Your Plans Away

http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/7086/216896-15453-lex-luthor_super.jpgHow many times has “evil genius” Lex Luthor had Superman under his thumb – strapped to some kryptonite laden contraption – only to spill every last detail to the Man of Steel in a long soliloquy.  Of course, inevitably, Superman makes his escape and foils Luthor’s perfect plan.

The rebels were able to get their hands on the blueprints for the Death Star and it’s one vulnerable spot and we all know how that went.
Now, El Guapo is all for diabolical plots and schemes.  In fact he encourages them and has partaken in a few in his day.  But if there’s anything to be learned from fictional villains, it’s to refrain from giving away the blueprints to your wily schemes until they are behind you and you’re the undisputed victor, sitting on your throne and sipping champagne from a cup shaped from your enemy’s skull.

So it’s more than disappointing that Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker committed this cardinal sin of villainy.  A Buffalo blogger from The Buffalo Beast managed to get a phone call through the Governor’s gatekeeper’s by posing as fellow scoundrel, billionaire Bill Koch.  During this call, Walker – speaking freely – went on to outline his plot to trick the 14 senators-in-hiding into coming back to Madison to talk.  Of course, Walker shared:

"If they're actually in session for that day, and they take a recess, the 19 Senate Republicans could then go into action and they'd have quorum...so we're double checking that. If you heard I was going to talk to them that's the only reason why. We'd only do it if they came back to the capital with all 14 of them."

Here we witness another super villain self-destruct before our eyes. 

Your handsome and humble servant,

El Guapo


TOP 10 Valentines Games For People With Herpes

Some estimates have one in four US adults infected with herpes. Make your Valentine’s Day flare up a source of fun and merriment, not shame. All it takes is a little imagination and an STD – which you probably already have or can contract easily enough. Stay sexy, America.

10. Xs and Os – For sports fans – Pick your favorite sport and use the little lesion to set up winning plays.

9. Presidential Cold Sores – label each sore according to what US president it most closely resembles.

8. The Sweet Sound Of Herpes – turn each sore into a musical note, then see what romantic diddy results.

7. Cankership – It’s exactly like Battleship – except with canker sores. Can you sink your partner’s cankership?

6. Twisted Twister – Color each sore, then spin away. Watch the fun ensue.

5. Travel Agent – Can’t decide on an island getaway destination? Let your fingers do the walking. Label each sore a potential destination and then…eeny, meeny, miny, moe… done.

4. Oregon Trail – Using sticky-notes and a little imagination you can revive the pioneer classic. Simply set up a canker trail and have a survival scenario ready at each stop on a small post-it note. You can select the game’s ultimate objective, if you know what I mean, cochino.

3. Monopoly – Great for a particularly harsh flare up. Set up the board, label each canker sore. And round and round you go. Don’t forget to collect your $200 when you pass go.

2. Clue – The first person to trace back the origin of the herpes virus wins. Was it with Lester the Janitor – in the office – after hours?

1. Connect the Canker Sores – what zany design might you come up with next? Unicorn? Tulip? Rainbow? Fate will decide. Well, fate and how well you follow the directions on your medication.

Your handsome and humble servant -
El Guapo


Top Ten Signs That Your Super Bowl Party Party Isn't Going Well

10. It’s half time and everyone’s still trying to decode the Roman numerals.
9. People are taking their bathroom breaks during the game so as not to miss the commercials.
8. After watching 16 hours of pregame coverage, everyone is asleep by kickoff.
7. Everyone’s trying to explain  to your Tio why anyone would wear large cheese wedges on their heads... voluntarily.  In his country, this was the punishment for murder.
6. Your morbidly obese friend keeps shoving nachos in his mouth and shouting instructions to the athletes on TV, oblivious to the irony.
5. Repo man shows up and takes the flat screen, so you put the game on the radio and recreate the action with shadow puppets.
4. The drinking game you started - drinking a shot for every euphemism used to sidestep mentioning Roethlisberger's sexual assault accusation (his 2nd) - has gotten out of hand.  Ambulances have been called.  Stomachs have been pumped.
3. It’s turned into an intervention. Fortunately, you're so stoned you barely notice.
2. Some guy who played high school football insists on explaining Aaron Rodger's mechanics.
1. Beer’s warm, pizza’s cold, and your bookie is at the door with a crowbar.

Your handsome and humble servant,
El Guapo

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