9/24/10

Anchor (Babies) Away

As Congress continues partisan bickering about economic policies and budgets, El Guapo has been in the nation’s capital this week tirelessly trying to ensure that the cretins we call politicians do not advance new proposals aimed at taxing the good-looking. This was put forth, predictably, by a sect of unabashed, jealous uggos.

The burden should not fall to the most gorgeous among us, those of us who already carry the heavy burden of being unable to even walk the aisles of a grocery store in peace without being accosted by lurking and drooling packs who drop things before us only to watch us to pick them up. Enough, I say. The madness must end.

But all of this is neither here nor there. Even with this insanity swirling, El Guapo finds spare moments to enlighten you with his take on the other pending issues of our day.

For instance:

Let’s begin with the “anchor baby” debate that has been en vogue of late. As many politicians recently began bellowing the term and pointing at anyone with a tan, El Guapo came to the sudden and horrifying realization that as a child he had, in fact, been an anchor baby himself. This was both shocking and illuminating.

After this jarring realization, El Guapo came to see, as Lindsay Graham (Rep. S.C.) and others helped him understand, that his very own parents (Guapo's that is) had come to the United States with the sole intention of arranging eventual citizenship. Diabolical. Of course. The pieces all began falling together. And like other such culprits who often feed, clothe, and educate their children until those children are eighteen, it was all done in a slow burning plot to lay immoral claim to eventual US citizenship.

Well, El Guapo did what he advises any other former “anchor baby” to do. He immediately called US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), and after commending them for having the best acronym in use, he reported the actions of his parents - only to be told that nothing could be done. That they were US citizens. That all was well.

Undaunted, El Guapo proceeded to procure several grams of crack cocaine and plant it on both mother and father. Then he made a phone call. As they were cuffed and imprisoned outside a Denny’s, El Guapo walked over and stood near the closest American flag he could find. And the cries from his mother as she was shoved into a squad car were the unmistakable chimes of justice. Fear not, I am not heartless... I gave them a carton a cigarettes and lit a candle for them.

Your humble and handsome servant-

El Guapo

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