5/23/10

A Modester Proposal: Patching Oil Spills and The Immigration Crisis

It saddens the heart to see a country splitting at the seams.  Immigrant rights groups and conservative groups are digging in their heels and the venom and vitriol is flying like, well, like venom and vitriol tend to when opposing groups get hot under the collar and begin reading from their talking points.  The immigrant narratives are painted with broad brushes – like the one in which the villainous hordes of foreign born are defecating on the American Flag and sneering at laws and common decency and tradition.  Where Mexican women traipse over the border and malevolently shoot anchor babies out of their wombs like those t-shirt cannons used at major sporting events.  Although, in fairness, these narratives occurred once, right in front of me.  I caught one of those anchor babies at a Bulls game and then the baby just got up, found the nearest American flag and wiped himself thoroughly.  So, yes, there is some basis for these fears. 

Thankfully El Guapo has a gift for rising above the muck that ensnares and rots creative problem solving in our nation.  And considering the maxim “To a worm in horseradish the world is horseradish” El Guapo takes you above the horse…ehem…radish to where real answers await, places, however, that might make you itch uncomfortably and avoid eye contact. 

Think about it.  Galileo was a heretic.  Socrates corrupted the youth by teaching them to ask pointed, unpopular questions.  Mark Twain was obscene.  El Guapo, of course, is equal parts handsome and brilliant and is about to rock your world with his ability to transcend even these abovementioned thinkers.

If we reflect honestly, we see that humanity often fails to consider solutions and ideas that make us squirm with discomfort, that might have reached taboo status.  There are certain things that most of us can’t or won’t consider because the rabbit hole is frightening and going down its logical path might be too bold, too blatant, and too controversial.  Political correctness and other limitations be damned.  El Guapo is not bound by societal, moral, or, frankly, any other constraints, because the uberhandsome need not worry about perception – since good looks envelope in a cloak of invincibility.  Your Guapo's ideas are not fenced in by fear.

So, let El Guapo take the reigns.  And since he wears no blinders, and resists looking at an issue in isolation, as conventional wisdom decrees, El Guapo spent much time pondering the topics that plague our nation.  He found some unconventional answers. 

What did he find after deep analysis?

Well, to begin: immigration and the current oil crisis are intrinsically linked. 

Get to it already, Guapo, you say.  What are you waiting for, you ask.  Okay.  Fine.  So, Arizona Sen. Russell Pearce and company have provided only part of the solution for getting rid of Mexicans and solving this whole debacle once and for all.  Sen. Pearce’s mild attempts include trying to scrap the 14th amendment (which gives children born on U.S. soil automatic citizenship) and his wildly successful SB1070 which gives law enforcement free reign to stop anyone suspected of being in the country illegally.  Noble, but short sighted.  Well, Arizona’s actions lack fortitude and courage, the attempts are too reserved and fail to follow the extreme response necessary to be effective against such an extreme opponent. 

The ugly truth follows.  Brace yourself, for it is not for the squeamish.  Let us consider that BP recently failed in an attempt to plug the current gusher in The Gulf with shredded tires and golf balls.  A noble attempt.  Interesting enough, however, your forward thinking El Guapo has it on good authority that ground human flesh is unsurpassed in its plasticity, its absorbency, and the natural oils produced in the skin (particularly in the skin of children) cannot be synthesized artificially to any comparable levels.  BP and your government would rather you not know this.  Why didn’t BP and The United States government take the steps towards a guaranteed solution?  They don’t think that you’re ready.  Here, on a silver platter, if we dare look, sits our simultaneous answer to two critical national problems. 

Rest assured that El Guapo’s motives are only the safety and security of this nation.  His wish is to save The U.S. from invading hordes of the godless while, concurrently, averting ecological disaster.  Yes, to save this nation we must grind the children of illegal immigrants living in the United States into a thick, congealed paste.  We must clog the gushing fountain of crude with this substance and allow this to, at the same time, deter lecherous immigrant families with a no nonsense warning.  If we follow reason to its logical end, we’ll see that those criminals who knowingly bring children here illegally or who give birth to them here will do so with the clear understanding that it will be costly.  Who, but the truly baseless would commit an act that they know leads to such a demise for their children?

The time for firing shots over the bow is over.  The time for thinking and debating is over.  We must act decisively.  We must act courageously.  We must protect our lands and our shores.

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