Arizona: Hot and Bothered El Guapo Interviews Arizona (Via bullhorn, while safely ensconced in Nevada, trembling behind a cactus, wearing a blonde wig)
Arizona SB1070 has gotten a bit of attention recently. Groups are mobilizing marches and boycotts. Politicians are trying to navigate the political minefield. Civil rights groups have developed collective hard-ons that have lasted longer than four hours (Get yourselves to the ER before you do some permanent damage says the Viagra commercial). All Arizona residents of burnt sienna hue or beyond on the scary brown spectrum are sleeping with one eye open (probably to keep their eyes on their drugs, guns, and other dastardly accoutrement). Families are beating the brown off their kids and punching them in the mouth so that any perceived accent is inaudible due to fat lips. Even over-tanned Caucasian women are running scared, expressionless, but scared nonetheless. But in all this, no one has gotten to the practical things that one can do to avoid having problems with SB1070. So, as usual, El Guapo was forced to stop styling his copious chest hair (FYI corn rolls this week) and take immediate action before things got out of control.
El Guapo learned the following after interviewing the state of Arizona:
Ways to successfully navigate the new, improved Arizona:
• Stop rolling your Rs
• Rock your proof of citizenship like a Flava Flav clock. (If illegal, rock on optical illusion on your chest…buys you some time as authorities sit there dumbfounded.)
• Stay away from – pick-up trucks, gardening equipment, and Olive Garden kitchens.
• Stop marching and boycotting – it’s like wearing a big salsa-covered bulls eye.
• Stop twirling your sinister silent movie villain’s mustache.
• Replace scorpion decal on your car with something more American, like a Calvin pissing on an illegal immigrant (next to a Jesus fish).
• Pick your least favorite child. If approached by the authorities, throw a poncho on him/her and point accusingly.
• Let an occasional weed creep onto your lawn.
• Whistle “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” at all times.
• Grunt “Love it or leave it” randomly and angrily at people.
• Carry a hacky sack and start kicking it around. It’s comparable to a kitten batting playfully at a yarn ball. No one is going to suspect a damn thing.