12/29/10

Sinverguenza 2010: One Shameless Year

It’s getting hard.

Not like that, cochino.

It’s just that it’s getting difficult to narrow a satisfactory list of things that merit the sinverguenza label. The bar of shame has been set pretty low and yet there’s plenty of stuff that manages to ooze under it. It’s not necessarily that the world is becoming more shameless (although this is debatable) – it’s just that the shameless have maximized the available means by which to reveal and showcase their lack of dignity, decency, and decorum.

*One thing that should be on the list but has been left out for obvious reasons are end-of-the-year lists – of which there are plenty. Being that this is the case, El Guapo figured he’d throw his hat into the ring and then dance around it as you might expect. Here goes.

Some Notable Shamelessness That May Or May Not Be Signs of the Approaching Apocalypse

Facebook : Zuckerberg earns the title “Person of the Year” from Time for encouraging everyone and his/her third cousin to share every inane thought that crosses his/her mind. This is compromised of those thoughts previously kept locked in the common sense prison of the brain for most people. Well, the inmates are out. Now your shameless friends will text you a photo and a detailed description of their bowel movements and “…a bit runnier than I expected, but with a subtle fruity bouquet…”

Holy Moly: The world was glued to the story of the trapped Chilean miners, and if it’s smart, the world has learned that Mother Earth is evil and should be left alone because she’s a conniving gal who won’t just pony up the goods without pulling this kind of jerk move. Of course, the world also watched the following clip 26 million times, so I’m guessing there wasn’t too much learned on any front this year.



Cabbage: Really there’s no real reason it makes the list this year. El Guapo just doesn’t like the stuff. Cooked, it stinks up homes to high heaven and then sits their stubbornly and claims the place like a poltergeist. I suspect it makes next year’s list. Up yours, cabbage.

BP Oil Spill: Mother Earth strikes yet again. The year’s top search shows that we were pretty upset by the ecological disaster and were perhaps trying to stay updated on the tragedy and the ensuing bumbling attempts at plugging the mess. However, The A-Team, the newest Eclipse film, and the Angelina Jolie vehicle Salt were three of the top ten grossing films of 2010, so we were apparently willing to watch just about anything.

The World Cup: After a four-year stretch of watching far more interesting sports where athletes are logically allowed to use their hands ― as is their evolutionary right and duty ― the World Cup again arrived to frustrate and confuse many while inexplicably tickling a slew of others to the point of losing total control of their bodily fluids. With offensive explosions ending in 0-0 ties or 1-0 blowouts, The World Cup satisfied a toddler’s insatiable desire to count without needing both hands.

Your handsome and humble servant-

El Guapo

12/14/10

Sinverguenza Spotlight: Parents

http://www.amptoons.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/worst_parents_003.jpg
Perhaps you were raised by sinverguenza parents.  Perhaps you're a parent yourself and have yet to discover that, yes, you are shameless and your kids cringe and die a little inside when they see you rocking the curlers and ratty robe to pick them up from school.  Well, El Guapo believes that it's better to identify sinverguenzas early before they sneak up behind you and stab you with something rusty simply because they like the color red.  So, let's focus on shameless parents.  Consider this an urgent public service announcement.


http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:1OHmxnNGx-OHgM:http://im.in.com/connect/images/profile/b_profile1/Alec_Baldwin_300.jpg&t=1

Parenting is the most challenging and rewarding endeavor that there is…at least that’s what Oprah says. But, like everything else, sinverguenzas put their own distinctive stink on it.

Here are some things we’ve overheard sinvergeunza parents say:
  • “If you’re going to play with that bag of rusty nails and those shards of glass, take it into the neighbor’s yard. That way, if you get hurt, you say you found it there and we’ve got ourselves a lawsuit. Cha-ching.”
  • “Your boyfriend seems nice. And cute. Do you mind if I ask him out?”
  • “We think it’s time you learned some responsibility in this house and earned your keep. From now on, you’ll be doing our taxes, lying to the creditors, and applying this ointment on grampa’s back fungus. Stop crying. It’s about time you learned adulthood isn’t all lollipops and ponies.”
  • “Doctor said you have anemia. Go lick that stop sign for ten minutes, because I’m sure as hell not paying for iron supplements.”
  • “I don’t need a doctor to tell me you’re healthy. Give me that school physical and a pen.”
  • “The babysitter’s a registered sex offender? Well, he’s the cheapest one we’re going to get – and now we have leverage to negotiate a better price.”

  • “Your toys are old? You know that there are little kids in Taiwan who work 12 hours a day to make those toys. Be grateful. They’re always hiring – since they’re constantly sewing their fingers together.”
  • "Quite your blubbering. Want to know why I eat name brand cereal and you eat that knockoff store brand crap? Because my parents got me used to the expensive shit. Guess who’s not making the same mistake?  Now be quiet and eat your Kaboom.”
  • “You scraped your knee? Sucks. God wanted it that way. I know he can be a prick, but you go take that up with him then and let me watch tv.”
  • “Why is there a 10 pound bag of potatoes in your back pack? Well kid, you’re not that bright, so I’m hedging my bets and hoping you go pro in some sport. No pressure, but you’re my retirement plan. Which, as a result, obviously means I’m not that bright either.”
  • “What science fair? Fine. See this ice cube in my whiskey? See it melting? Solid to liquid. Now go get a pen and a damn poster board and write it up, Einstein.”
  • “I pride myself on having low standards and a knack for hyperbole. With that said, your painting was a fucking Picasso.”
Your handsome and humble servant -

El Guapo

11/18/10

WANTED: Latino Al Sharpton (Mullet preferred, but any reasonably electrifying hair-style considered)


As official Latino spokesperson (via unanimous election), many people presume that El Guapo would readily add the role of Latino Sharpton to his resumé – a dapper man, with great hair who appears from the ether in a sharp suit to right racially charged wrongs – perceived, legitimate, exaggerated or in-between. 

You’d be right to assume that El Guapo would be the best choice, but he does not enjoy crouching behind bushes and waiting for racial improprieties – after all, he has things to do.  His chest hair will not oil and curl itself.  His lowrider will not lurch rhythmically of its own accord and cruise the barrio.

But this is serious business.  There is no adequate level of fear serving as a deterrent, enveloping Latinos in a protective shell.  There is a blatant lack of impending public repercussion.  No one fears that a Sharpton or a Jesse Jackson will jump out from behind a mailbox and shoot them in the proverbial knee after a racial infraction at any scale and then hold a press conference.  The closest thing Latinos have is El Guapo’s arch enemy – Edward James Olmos – who, at worst, may simply shake his head disapprovingly from his Beverly Hills rumpus room and brandish a microwave chimichanga at the television screen at news of a proposed Congressional Bill aimed at mandating that landscapers work while wearing proof of citizenship like a Flava-Flav clock.  This, not surprisingly, has proven ineffective at deterring insulting, disparaging, and/or flat out racist remarks and deeds aimed squarely at Latinos. 

Latinos, due to disproportionately low (and then poor) representation in popular culture, need a public hit man or woman to strike fear into the hearts of the couple who finds it cute to speak to their Chihuahua in a cartoonish Mexican accent.  A no nonsense message (of the horse-head-in-the-bed-variety) needs to be delivered to the makers, wearers, and sellers of the following Halloween costumes:



While many of the racial caricatures of the past are overwhelmingly recognized as improper, Latinos hold strong as acceptable targets.  In the words of the wise Dalai Lama "What the fuck's up with that?"

Considering the current xenophobic fires being set throughout the nation, and the fact the economic climate can easily fan those flames, it is time for the Latino Sharpton to press his/her three-piece suit, perfect his/her look of disgust, and rise from the crowd in order to be reckoned with.

El Guapo approached Reverend Al and asked him to consider simply calling himself Dominican and suiting up for both teams.  We eagerly await his response.  In the meantime, we are actively in the hunt and are accepting nominations.

9/24/10

Anchor (Babies) Away

As Congress continues partisan bickering about economic policies and budgets, El Guapo has been in the nation’s capital this week tirelessly trying to ensure that the cretins we call politicians do not advance new proposals aimed at taxing the good-looking. This was put forth, predictably, by a sect of unabashed, jealous uggos.

The burden should not fall to the most gorgeous among us, those of us who already carry the heavy burden of being unable to even walk the aisles of a grocery store in peace without being accosted by lurking and drooling packs who drop things before us only to watch us to pick them up. Enough, I say. The madness must end.

But all of this is neither here nor there. Even with this insanity swirling, El Guapo finds spare moments to enlighten you with his take on the other pending issues of our day.

For instance:

Let’s begin with the “anchor baby” debate that has been en vogue of late. As many politicians recently began bellowing the term and pointing at anyone with a tan, El Guapo came to the sudden and horrifying realization that as a child he had, in fact, been an anchor baby himself. This was both shocking and illuminating.

After this jarring realization, El Guapo came to see, as Lindsay Graham (Rep. S.C.) and others helped him understand, that his very own parents (Guapo's that is) had come to the United States with the sole intention of arranging eventual citizenship. Diabolical. Of course. The pieces all began falling together. And like other such culprits who often feed, clothe, and educate their children until those children are eighteen, it was all done in a slow burning plot to lay immoral claim to eventual US citizenship.

Well, El Guapo did what he advises any other former “anchor baby” to do. He immediately called US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), and after commending them for having the best acronym in use, he reported the actions of his parents - only to be told that nothing could be done. That they were US citizens. That all was well.

Undaunted, El Guapo proceeded to procure several grams of crack cocaine and plant it on both mother and father. Then he made a phone call. As they were cuffed and imprisoned outside a Denny’s, El Guapo walked over and stood near the closest American flag he could find. And the cries from his mother as she was shoved into a squad car were the unmistakable chimes of justice. Fear not, I am not heartless... I gave them a carton a cigarettes and lit a candle for them.

Your humble and handsome servant-

El Guapo

9/9/10

Sinverguenza of the Week: Pastor Terry Jones and The Dove Outreach Center

Terry Jones





The Dove Outreach Center, led by the half-man, half walrus – Pastor Terry Jones (above) – already had the Sinverguenza of the Week Award in the bag when it planned to have a Quran-burning on the 9th anniversary of 9-11 to protest plans to build a mosque near New York’s Ground Zero.
But that act of xenophobic brilliance wasn’t enough for the Yosemite Sam impersonator.  In a fit of inspired glory, the Pastor canceled the event, after reaching a disputed arrangement of some sort where the controversial mosque site would be moved.  "We would right now ask no one to burn Qurans. We are absolutely strong on that. It is not the time to do it."
As of right now, Quran-burning is “suspended” – leaving a wild mustached group of Protestants with stacks of Qurans, lots of kerosene, and some matches – all stuck in limbo. 
Unfortunately, many fear that Jones and company will turn their rabid attention to a more familiar foe – rabbits.  Watch below:


8/27/10

A Gift For Your Local Sinverguenza

Yes, to top it all off, El Guapo is also an immensely talented artist.... I know it's unfair that one man be this blessed.
Send the following to anyone who you feel deserves it.
Considering that the weekend is here, El Guapo suspects you'll find ample opportunity to find someone who qualifies.

Your humble and handsome servant,
El Guapo

8/9/10

Call Out a Sinverguenza, Get a FREE T-Shirt ... Win, Win

Honoring pendejos, sinverguenzas, and/or other such ne'er-do-wells might sound illogical at first.  Your initial reaction is probably to pull back your hand and prepare to unleash all that is unholy across the face of the unsuspecting moron.  However, with the right distance and some perspective you'll quickly see how much you owe to your local cadre of sinverguenzas and their seemingly endless supply of chancla-worthy pendejadas. 

Think about it.  Your average day would in most respects be dull beyond belief without pendejos spicing it up in ways only they can.  What would you do during your morning commute without the driver who is texting while weaving in and out of traffic?   How uninteresting (and quiet) would your workday be without your co-worker who is on the phone incessantly arguing with her boyfriend while in the cubicle next to yours?  What about the significant other who gave you gonorrhea, or that friend who faked being a Salvation Army bell-ringer in order to pay for his new flat screen TV?   

Bottom line:  Call out sinverguenzas and utter pendejadas in the comment section below, explain their shamelessness, and, if your comment is selected, you win a kick ass shirt from the good people at Tchirts.com.  Make sure to leave your email address behind.

DEADLINE: Monday, August 16th.

7/31/10

Sinverguenza of the week: pets with clothes

Stock up on bottled water and prepare for the end...The apocalypse is here. Officially.


The final sign of the apocalypse.

The Mayan's predicted that when pets wore sweatshirts it would mark the beginning of the end.  Here it is.

7/29/10

Arizona SB1070 Hits a Speed Bump. El Guapo Ponders.

SB1070 hits a major legal bump, but...

Let me work this out... The majority of Americans support policies like SB1070 (approx. 55%).  Ok. Got it.  However, a large majority of Americans ALSO believe such bills will increase discrimination against Latinos. (Scratching temple pensively).

Can I conclude that a whole bunch-o-Americans just don't give a shit? And rather than pursue a just solution, a blatantly racist one will do? (Checks calendar... Yep. 2010. Just making sure.)

...Well, I've been asking for a comeback in overt racism over the sanitized stuff, and perhaps here it is...

Woo-hoo?

Your handsome and humble servant-

El Guapo

7/15/10

Sinverguenza of the Week: The Vatican et. al. (These Guys Are Frocked)

Chivalry is dead.  Chivalry, as in the code to which the medieval knightly class swore to adhere - which included behaving in a courageous, loyal, and morally righteous manner at all times, even when it was hot as hell and the chaffing from that unforgiving suit of armor was unbearable.

How did chivalry finally die, you ask?  Well, truth be told, it had already been in its death throes for some time, twitching there and whatnot, waiting for someone to finally land the finishing blow and twist the sword once and for all.

Thankfully, it was the Vatican's consecrated boot that, this week, finally did chivalry in and earned The Vatican the title of Sinverguenza of the Week.  Thursday the Vatican came out and issued new sex-abuse norms apparently as a response to the endless avalanche of reports of priestly pedophilia and other abuses that routinely have and continue to go ignored, or have been intentionally concealed.

The Vatican, however, courageously took a stand and let the world know that it, in fact, openly hates women and children, and chivalry (along with women, children) can go consecrate itself for all it cares.  It will not fold to the pressures of morality and general human decency no matter the public outcry.

This week's announcement made no mention of any mandate requiring that bishops report abuse to authorities.  The "crack down" also went out on a limb and outlined molestation, possessing and/or distributing child pornography, as grave canonical crimes.  What else is a "grave canonical crime"?  The attempted ordination of women, that's what.  How are "grave canonical crimes" dealt with?  Behind closed doors - near the frankincense and myrrh - of course and far from the reach of watchful outsiders' eyes.


W.W.J.D?  Well, according to the Vatican, apparently not much to help abused and exploited children.

7/7/10

Sinverguenza of the Week: Mel Gibson

Sinverguenza of the week: Mel Gibson

While technically news of Mel Gibson’s rant leaked last week, it seems that this man has worked his ass off and deserves some real recognition – even if a week overdue. Because if we don’t acknowledge his zealous dedication to racism and xenophobia, what will we be teaching the kids about perseverance? El Guapo wants the kids to know that if you keep your nose to the grindstone you can be anything – including a fanatical, anti-Semitic, racist and gifted sinverguenza. Those hoping to rise to Jedi level sinverguenza, please take copious notes.

Below is part of the message that Gibson allegedly left his ex-wife and mother of his children:

"You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault."
"How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so f**king nice."
"I am going to come and burn the f**king house down... but you will blow me first."
"This is my last message. I might be the father... Well, f** you... You psycho c***... Because I don't care. Do you understand me? I'm done."

You may remember another Gibson classic after being pulled over for a DUI:
"F**king Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world."

During the encounter, he also called a female police office "Sugar Tits."

Oh, he also allegedly said the following about an employee: "I will report her to the f**king people that take f**king money from the wetbacks," he said.

So, if you like pretty colors and pie charts, let's summarize our findings:



When reached for comment, Gibson replied with:

6/28/10

Sinverguenza of the Week: Jan Brewer

There were many contenders this past week, but Jan Brewer again further immortalized her place on the Sinverguenza Walk of Shame.

The Arizona Governor has taken some heat after she claimed recently "that the majority of the people that are coming to Arizona and trespassing are now becoming drug mules." So, in an effort to assuage critics and set the record straight, she has amended her hyperbolic statement to more clearly reflect the facts as she knows them.

At a recent news conference, the controversial figure at the center of the immigration debate clarified: "Perhaps, I was too quick and did not measure the weight of my words. Perhaps I spoke before I had all the facts. The truth is that we have it on good authority that not only are most illegals drug mules, but that the "children" that some illegals bring with them are, in fact, not children at all. With the technology available to drug cartels, they have fabricated children made entirely of illegal drugs. These look and act like average innocent children, but we should not be fooled. They smile, play, and cry, but they are also potent and addictive when broken down into their chemical components. We have FBI footage [below] illuminating just how sophisticated the cartels and their minions have gotten."

Here Ms. Brewer played the clip for reporters to demonstrate just what sinister technology Arizona is up against. "If we in any way care for, educate, or love these children, we will be loving lawlessness and encouraging the further deterioration of our society. These drug-children-humanoids have had a free ride long enough."

Once again, Ms. Brewer, thanks for showing us the way.





Pay particular attention to 1:20 - 1:55.

6/18/10

World Cup Drinking Games

The World Cup is here.  El Guapo is unable to control his fervid apathy.  But since one can't entirely escape the World Cup and all the hu-ha surrounding it, he thought he'd find ways to help those who fool themselves into thinking that soccer is interesting.

Whatever you think of the world wide phenomenon, when games end in a 0-0 and 1-1 tie, one begins to look for ways to make watching tolerable.  Here are just a few drinking games that will amp up your Cup watching experience.  The rules: Whenever you observe any of the following, chug your favorite culturally fitting libation of choice.

 As always, drink responsibly.

1. The sanctity of the dive in soccer cannot be ignored.  Many soccer fans get aroused when they see a player flop around the ground like fish out of water after being struck with some phantom blow.  So, when you see one of these artful performances, raise your glass and salute the thespian who immediately pops up and does a two-step after the red card has been given.




 2. Whenever you hear the soothing sounds of a vuvuzela, drink up. The expert in the clip below will happily explain the obvious.





3. Whenever a goal is scored, and we all know how infrequently this happens, drink continuously until the celebration finishes.  Usually you can tell the celebration is over when the announcer has stopped his endless shouting and his voice goes to pre-coital levels.





Finally: Of course, when your team loses, it's not a drinking game any longer.  It's a coping mechanism.  Keep drinking and don't stop until 2014 when you will in all likelihood be disappointed again.  On the off chance that your team does win The Cup, chug away in celebration. Make it count.

5/23/10

A Modester Proposal: Patching Oil Spills and The Immigration Crisis

It saddens the heart to see a country splitting at the seams.  Immigrant rights groups and conservative groups are digging in their heels and the venom and vitriol is flying like, well, like venom and vitriol tend to when opposing groups get hot under the collar and begin reading from their talking points.  The immigrant narratives are painted with broad brushes – like the one in which the villainous hordes of foreign born are defecating on the American Flag and sneering at laws and common decency and tradition.  Where Mexican women traipse over the border and malevolently shoot anchor babies out of their wombs like those t-shirt cannons used at major sporting events.  Although, in fairness, these narratives occurred once, right in front of me.  I caught one of those anchor babies at a Bulls game and then the baby just got up, found the nearest American flag and wiped himself thoroughly.  So, yes, there is some basis for these fears. 

Thankfully El Guapo has a gift for rising above the muck that ensnares and rots creative problem solving in our nation.  And considering the maxim “To a worm in horseradish the world is horseradish” El Guapo takes you above the horse…ehem…radish to where real answers await, places, however, that might make you itch uncomfortably and avoid eye contact. 

Think about it.  Galileo was a heretic.  Socrates corrupted the youth by teaching them to ask pointed, unpopular questions.  Mark Twain was obscene.  El Guapo, of course, is equal parts handsome and brilliant and is about to rock your world with his ability to transcend even these abovementioned thinkers.

If we reflect honestly, we see that humanity often fails to consider solutions and ideas that make us squirm with discomfort, that might have reached taboo status.  There are certain things that most of us can’t or won’t consider because the rabbit hole is frightening and going down its logical path might be too bold, too blatant, and too controversial.  Political correctness and other limitations be damned.  El Guapo is not bound by societal, moral, or, frankly, any other constraints, because the uberhandsome need not worry about perception – since good looks envelope in a cloak of invincibility.  Your Guapo's ideas are not fenced in by fear.

So, let El Guapo take the reigns.  And since he wears no blinders, and resists looking at an issue in isolation, as conventional wisdom decrees, El Guapo spent much time pondering the topics that plague our nation.  He found some unconventional answers. 

What did he find after deep analysis?

Well, to begin: immigration and the current oil crisis are intrinsically linked. 

Get to it already, Guapo, you say.  What are you waiting for, you ask.  Okay.  Fine.  So, Arizona Sen. Russell Pearce and company have provided only part of the solution for getting rid of Mexicans and solving this whole debacle once and for all.  Sen. Pearce’s mild attempts include trying to scrap the 14th amendment (which gives children born on U.S. soil automatic citizenship) and his wildly successful SB1070 which gives law enforcement free reign to stop anyone suspected of being in the country illegally.  Noble, but short sighted.  Well, Arizona’s actions lack fortitude and courage, the attempts are too reserved and fail to follow the extreme response necessary to be effective against such an extreme opponent. 

The ugly truth follows.  Brace yourself, for it is not for the squeamish.  Let us consider that BP recently failed in an attempt to plug the current gusher in The Gulf with shredded tires and golf balls.  A noble attempt.  Interesting enough, however, your forward thinking El Guapo has it on good authority that ground human flesh is unsurpassed in its plasticity, its absorbency, and the natural oils produced in the skin (particularly in the skin of children) cannot be synthesized artificially to any comparable levels.  BP and your government would rather you not know this.  Why didn’t BP and The United States government take the steps towards a guaranteed solution?  They don’t think that you’re ready.  Here, on a silver platter, if we dare look, sits our simultaneous answer to two critical national problems. 

Rest assured that El Guapo’s motives are only the safety and security of this nation.  His wish is to save The U.S. from invading hordes of the godless while, concurrently, averting ecological disaster.  Yes, to save this nation we must grind the children of illegal immigrants living in the United States into a thick, congealed paste.  We must clog the gushing fountain of crude with this substance and allow this to, at the same time, deter lecherous immigrant families with a no nonsense warning.  If we follow reason to its logical end, we’ll see that those criminals who knowingly bring children here illegally or who give birth to them here will do so with the clear understanding that it will be costly.  Who, but the truly baseless would commit an act that they know leads to such a demise for their children?

The time for firing shots over the bow is over.  The time for thinking and debating is over.  We must act decisively.  We must act courageously.  We must protect our lands and our shores.

5/14/10

Jan Brewer: Master Magician

Jan Brewer: Master Magician
http://sonoranalliance.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/brewer-oops-300x248.jpg
A crowd was left dumbfounded when Arizona Governor Jan Brewer pulled off one of the greatest illusions ever attempted. Brewer managed to make civil rights and liberties disappear. Just like that. Where'd they go?
She's wasn't done. While everyone was murmuring and searching for smoke and mirrors, she managed to send the whole state of Arizona back in time several decades, reeling. Impressive, ma'am. Even Darth Vader, who was in the crowd, just shook his head in disbelief and said, "That's some cold, shit."

4/30/10

Hot and Bothered...El Guapo Interviews Arizona (Via bullhorn, while safely ensconced in Nevada, trembling behind a cactus, wearing a blonde wig)

Arizona: Hot and Bothered El Guapo Interviews Arizona (Via bullhorn, while safely ensconced in Nevada, trembling behind a cactus, wearing a blonde wig)

Arizona SB1070 has gotten a bit of attention recently. Groups are mobilizing marches and boycotts. Politicians are trying to navigate the political minefield. Civil rights groups have developed collective hard-ons that have lasted longer than four hours (Get yourselves to the ER before you do some permanent damage says the Viagra commercial). All Arizona residents of burnt sienna hue or beyond on the scary brown spectrum are sleeping with one eye open (probably to keep their eyes on their drugs, guns, and other dastardly accoutrement). Families are beating the brown off their kids and punching them in the mouth so that any perceived accent is inaudible due to fat lips. Even over-tanned Caucasian women are running scared, expressionless, but scared nonetheless. But in all this, no one has gotten to the practical things that one can do to avoid having problems with SB1070. So, as usual, El Guapo was forced to stop styling his copious chest hair (FYI corn rolls this week) and take immediate action before things got out of control.

El Guapo learned the following after interviewing the state of Arizona:

Ways to successfully navigate the new, improved Arizona:

• Stop rolling your Rs
• Rock your proof of citizenship like a Flava Flav clock. (If illegal, rock on optical illusion on your chest…buys you some time as authorities sit there dumbfounded.)
• Stay away from – pick-up trucks, gardening equipment, and Olive Garden kitchens.
• Stop marching and boycotting – it’s like wearing a big salsa-covered bulls eye.
• Stop twirling your sinister silent movie villain’s mustache.
• Replace scorpion decal on your car with something more American, like a Calvin pissing on an illegal immigrant (next to a Jesus fish).
• Pick your least favorite child. If approached by the authorities, throw a poncho on him/her and point accusingly.
• Let an occasional weed creep onto your lawn.
• Whistle “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” at all times.
• Grunt “Love it or leave it” randomly and angrily at people.
• Carry a hacky sack and start kicking it around. It’s comparable to a kitten batting playfully at a yarn ball. No one is going to suspect a damn thing.

3/11/10

A Most Unfortunate Name...




Yes. The middle name above is, in fact, Vince Penesis DDS... That's Vince Penesis, ladies and gentlemen. First name: Vince. Last name: Penesis. That means that if he goes to an endodontist conference and wears one of those "Hello. My Name is..." badges, his would say "Hello. My Name is Vince Penesis" That means that when someone hard of hearing inevitably asks him how to pronounce his name he has to loudly say "MY NAME IS VINCE PENESIS". Our prayers are with you and, Vince Penesis, we hope you have sired no children - because we'd have to report you for child abuse. School children can be cruel and are notoriously bad spellers

... All the best, Mr. Penesis.

2/6/10

Top Ten Signs Your Super Bowl XLIV Party Isn’t Going Well

10. It’s half time and everyone’s still trying to decode the Roman numerals.
9. People are taking their bathroom breaks during the game so as not to miss the commercials.
8. The Who had a Janet-esque wardrobe malfunction during the half time show and now you can’t shake the image and get your mind back on the game.. and you’re not sure you mind…
7. Everyone’s trying to explain “Who dat?” to your Tio, but it’s turned into a Latino “Who’s on First?”… and no one is laughing.
6. Your morbidly obese friend keeps shoving nachos in his mouth and shouting instructions to the athletes on TV, oblivious to the irony.
5. Repo man shows up and takes the flat screen, so you put the game on the radio and recreate the action with shadow puppets.
4. Your name is Tony Romo and during the pre-show season recap even your mom laughs when the analyst asks if the Cowboys can ever win a Super Bowl with Tony Romo at QB.
3. It’s turned into an intervention. Fortunately, you're so stoned you barely notice.
2. Some guy who played high school football insists on explaining Peyton Manning’s mechanics.
1. Beer’s warm, pizza’s cold, and your bookie is at the door with a crowbar.


Your handsome and humble servant,
El Guapo


Check out El Guapo's Sinverguenza page in Cafe Magazine and his blog on the magazine's website ...subscription is freeeee ... http://cafemagazine.com/index.php/magazine-subscription)

Movie & TV Show Preview Widget