El Guapo often wears his leopard print smoking jacket and oils up the lush rain forest that he calls chest hair so that each thick follicle looks like a curly black diamond twinkling in an otherwise sightless sky. This grooming, of course, is strictly for his own amusement since it is common knowledge that El Guapo cannot enhance perfection. (Although, if anyone could accomplish this feat, it’d be the unrivaled Guapo.) As he flat irons, braids, highlights or waits for a new economy sized jug of pomade to be rolled in, he often twirls his twirl-worthy mustache and thinks, as only he can, about all things under the sun.
On this fine day, El Guapo decided enough was enough and began a crusade that rivals any other in the course of human history. The problem that lit this fire under his unparalleled, incomparable ass had become so unavoidable that he felt obligated to intervene – even though, truth be told. he prefers only to help others who help themselves. Unfortunately, the American Latino (Guatsupinus Cabronicus) as a species finally tried El Guapo’s patience beyond the breaking point.
While US Latinos continue on a path toward dominance through procreation, there is a serious thread of dissension within a small, yet significant segment of the population who refuse to comply and behave accordingly. Latinos are, in fact, a monolithic group with monolithic opinions. We like spicy food. We ride around in compact cars with our extended families and pile out like clowns at the circus. We spank our children with chanclas and extension cords and we get absurdly enthused when surrounded by vegetation because we can, like Edward Scissorhands, turn any nearby shrub into any whimsical object. Let this uniformity be known and spread far and wide.
Only through this homogeneous thinking can we move forward. Dissension is our enemy and it makes it harder to understand us. Media outlets, news organizations need consensus from us - in fact, in many cases they've helped by providing a clear consensus for us. Some Latinos refuse to listen and others are simply unaware of our agreed upon opinions. So, El Guapo first decided to call each and every Latino and go through all of our opinions once and for all but this proved both time consuming and, since many of you have had your phones disconnected, rather frustrating. Others were so in awe of speaking with El Guapo that the giddy squeals allowed for very little to get done. So, because El Guapo is a visionary, we will be holding monthly Latino conference calls beginning next month. Now, it’s only a matter of coordinating a date and time that’s good for the 45 million of us in the United States. How’s Tuesday look for you?