6/14/09

El Guapo Interviews Estevan Vega

The following interview with Estevan Vega, author of The Sacred Sin, took place in an undisclosed location after El Guapo finally ditched those blasted Bee Gees who've been following him for weeks singing "Staying Alive" - While it was tolerable at first, it had grown creepy. El Guapo understands he's a ladies man, enough of you Bee Gees. Here are some of Mr. Vega's responses to the hard-hitting questions posed. They reveal some interesting things about the author:

El Guapo:
If you had a chance to punch someone in the face (or kick him/her in the crotch), free of any reprisal - legal or otherwise - who would it be and why?

Estevan: If I could punch anyone in the junk without fear of getting arrested, beaten or spanked (well, maybe), it would probably be 50 Cent. For starters, this poetic master lives in Connecticut, but sadly, he gives all us Connecticutians--and lovers of the English language--a somewhat tainted name. Something about "partyin' in da club", as he's "licking lollipops" in a candyshop while on the block with his a-yo technological hoochie-mommas. The lyrics and dance moves might in fact be too intelligent for most Americans. Plus, I'm concerned for his neck muscles. Should anyone really be wearing bling that gaudy? So, yeah, due to unbelievable I.Q. levels, a mouth that refuses to open when he spits his rhymes, 50 Cent gets two jabs in or around the crotch region, i.e. magic wand...I just hope his posse doesn't see me, or I might get shot at nine times.

El Guapo:
Dumbest thing you've ever done?..."Answering this question" and "Agreeing to this BS" are not an acceptable answers.

Estevan: The dumbest thing I've ever done is walk into a Taco Bell restroom with my eyes open. I swear, that might have been the biggest mistake of my young life. Never, I repeat, never walk into any Taco Bell restroom (or any fast-food chain) unprepared. The consequences could be deadly, hot, and all over the toilet seat. Or worse, you might actually turn into a Chupacabra.

El Guapo: This is a controversy for the ages...What is your stance on the bolo tie?

Estevan: Hmmm....Being a Yankee, I have to answer this question with a certain amount of...complete honesty. If I want a fashion piece that says: "I don't pay taxes, and don't you dare ask for my papers for them there workers," while tipping my hat at the county sheriff, then yes, a bolo tie should be employed during those blistering summer months or while hunting wild buffalo. But, for most of you commoners, unless you're Clint Eastwood--twenty-five years ago--and unless you got a mug that screams: "Yeah, I kick crap for a living, spit on occasion, and prefer talking in raspy, throaty tones," please refrain. Don't agree? Fine, I'll challenge you to a dual. Let the best-dressed, best-looking Yank win.

El Guapo: What's your favorite racial stereotype and why?

Estevan Vega: My favorite sterotype is that every Latino is by nature a Julio or Enrique Iglesias or Mr. Banderas. Talking like Antonio or danicing like one of the Iglesiases is totally lame, unrealistic and degrading. Man, it stings to think that whitey keeps trying to put us in such tight boxes. I mean, c'mon...we're not all that desperate. Some of us spend our nights camped out in front of a boxing match with a hefty honey all our own in the kitchen bringing us rice, beans and Malta (well, how about Root Beer?). I mean, who wants a jaw that quivers when he utters the word "Hero", or the planet Saturn on your face (R.I.P., mole of Enrique) when you can have the real thing? It's tough for a regular, talented, gorgeous man like myself to get a legit date these days from actual girls, and I blame these Latin kings. I've tried singing "Hero" while dressed like Zorro plenty of times, but it just doesn't have the same effect. For some reason, chicks just run away crying and muttering the Rosary while in flight to buy another Enrique album.

El Guapo: Why did you decide to write this book? Money? Fame? Chicks/Dudes? (No other answers will be believed by the rational) Feel free to explain.

Estevan: Oh, without a doubt, I wrote The Sacred Sin and Servant of the Realm for the dough. I mean, most writers write because of an impulse to shed some truth or reality with the world, to lift a veil, or take readers on a thrill-ride, but not me. I figure, why get a legitimate job, when I can be a loaded, ego-centric scribe for the rest of my days? After all, who wouldn't want to spend tons of money publishing, promoting, and mailing out dozens of review copies to anxious readers? Every twenty-five dollar royalty check reminds me I'm living for something better than salsa, quesadillas and The Wal-Mart. It's called success, but why does it for some reason smell a lot like a whole burning away in my wallet?


El Guapo: If you were given a time machine, a lone paper clip, and $50, what would you do and why?"

Estevan: I would go back to when I first saw the movie Transformers for the first time (and take a deep breath), paperclip all of my feelings together, then bring those feelings to Megan Fox's apartment, punch her then-boyfriend in the juevos, and pay her $50 to have lunch with me. Scratch that...dinner.

Why? Because she seems like a wholesome gal and a really good listener. Plus, I have a lot of feelings.


El Guapo: Have you ever committed a crime? If so, explain.

Estevan: Crime: Being way too good-looking and smooth-talking for human females. Sentence: Daily promiscuity, unbelievable antics, and eventual spontaneous head combustion.

So what have we learned about Mr. Vega?...

  1. The correct answer for question one was "I would never punch anyone in the face, much less with the guarantee that there would be no repercussions. I am no coward." Mr. Vega is clearly a coward and I have forwarded his information to a certain mushmouthed Mr. 50 cent...
  2. He has no common sense...No one admits to stepping foot inside a Taco Bell, much less a TB bathroom...no one. Plus, objectively speaking the Bolo tie is a sign of outright superiority - moral, physical, and with respect to intelligence. Failure to support the Bolo is a sign of inferiority.
  3. Estevan Vega is unaware that certain stereotypes are inescapably true...The Latin Lover stereotype that he questions and insults (sometimes referred to as the "Latin Lova" in street vernacular) is a scientific fact.
  4. Delusional. The man is flat-out delusional. To indulge the $50/ paper clip question is absurd.
  5. Since the only books worth reading are written by the delusional - particularly those with a tendency toward running with the absolutely absurd - it seems that Mr. Vega's words are definitely worth checking out.
Author interview arranged by our friends at http://authorslatino.com/wordpress

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