Metaphorical, Numbers-Induced Hard-On?

If you get a metaphorical hard-on when numbers and statistics are thrown about like so much confetti, The Pew Hispanic Center recently let loose some titillating fare for you to lust over. Wipe your chin, cochino/a.

• "Hispanics now make up 22% of all children under the age of 18 in the United States - up from 9% in 1980 -"
• "(52%) of the nation's 16 million Hispanic children are now second generation, meaning they are the US born sons and daughter of at least one foreign-born parent".
• "7% of all Hispanic children are unauthorized immigrants."
• "About one-fifth of Hispanic second-generation children speak English less than "very well"
• "60% of second-generation children have parents who have completed high school and only 31% of these children have parents who have completed some college."

If your toes are tingling after this avalanche of facts and figures, take a break, sit back, and smoke a cigarette. El Guapo will tell you what some of this means.

• "Hispanics now make up 22% of all children under the age of 18 in the United States - up from 9% in 1980 -"
• Latino Parents: El Guapo suggests rethinking your parenting strategy, particularly continuing with the chanclazos that were so common in your own childhood. With the internet, it's only a matter of time before they organize and form a tiny militia and you don't want to be on their shit list. Also, don't forget that someday you'll be old and a nuisance and every nalgada today will haunt you as you get shuttled off to the cheapest retirement home by your embittered, grudge-holding children.
  
• Non-Latinos: Um... How do I say this tactfully?... Well, it matters not, since our plan is diabolical and you can do nothing to stop it: We are training our young ones to grow up and breed (early and often) with Latinos and non-Latinos alike. Revolution through reproduction - a lot more fun than the other kind. We will seep into every family - beginning with families of staunch racists. Guess who's coming to dinner? Nope, Mr. Limbaugh... that's not the landscaper, it's Kelly's boyfriend Guillermo.
  

• "7% of all Hispanic children are unauthorized immigrants."
• Don't be fooled by doe-eyed smiles and gleeful sounds at the park - these little delinquents are here to turn this country upside down and shake every penny into their own sticky hands to buy automatic weapons, drugs, and hookers.
  

• "About one-fifth of Hispanic second-generation children speak English less than "very well"
• I suppose that it'd be wise to speak slowly and only use monosyllabic words when speaking in English to small brown children.
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Remember: Your humble and handsome El Guapo thinks so you don't have to...

You're welcome.