5/26/09

Racial Roulette - A Cautionary Tale

LOS ANGELES, California

In the break room of an East Los Angeles Walmart a vicious, racially charged, West Side Story-esque brawl [sans dancing and finger snapping ... unfortunately] threatened to spill out into the personal hygene aisle and knock over the hemorrhoid cream that had been neatly stacked on the end cap.

Witnesses who were present during the scuffle, said it began over a seemingly innocuous battle for the break room TV and then took an unexpected turn before anyone noticed. Our sources indicate that the friendly antagonism quickly turned sour when television requests were split down racial lines and with the precision of an Exacto knife, combatants were cut into camps. "Even the deep-seeded departmental conflicts were brushed aside and replaced with seething racial tensions. Insults started to fly and next thing you know, the scared old white greeter took off mumbling into his tuna sandwich."

An anonymous source reports that somehow the animated discussion dipped into the topic of oppression and each faction began to vehemently support the claim that their group - black, white, and brown - was more oppressed than the other two. Each group gained momentum and shouted loudly across a battered folding table.

The woe-off quickly escalated and high quality color charts and graphs materialized out of thin air to explore historical and modern data - including the long-term ramifications of slavery and institutionalized segregation; imprisonment rates were then paraded about in cool fonts; Illegal deportation numbers were outlined; The average educational dollar amount spent per child was bracketed by race and followed by statistics on standardized test scores, educational levels, literacy levels, expected lifetime income. In a dizzying array of misery, the parties in question worked themselves into a fever-pitched lather and pounded fiercely on tables and suddenly began to use laser pointers like Jedi Knights wield light sabers. The lone white guy tiptoed out early on - throwing in the proverbial towel when the angry sneers started being thrown exclusively in his direction after each point was made.

The slight woman from Small Appliances, who it's reported is a Black Dominican Jew or some such thing, walked in only to have everyone freeze mid argument and groan. The participants kicked over the lectern and snapped their poster boards over their knees as they left dejectedly. The young woman was immediately declared the winner, was given the remote ceremoniously, and then proceeded to celebrate - until she realized what exactly she had won. Then she cried and started watching American Idol.

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