5/14/09

What Would Julio Iglesias Do? (Part III)


The W.W.J.D. bracelets are in. (What Would Julio Iglesias Do? – not to be mistaken for the crucified he-who-shall-remain-nameless and his short-lived popularity with a similar product.) Every employee at the eljumpingbean national offices has five or six on and we stop our work day frequently to ponder exactly what Julio Iglesias would do in our shoes at particular moments throughout the day. The results have been unimaginable. Aside from a marked increase in water cooler gropings and impromptu tearful serenades, we are now the pinnacle of efficiency. Life-sized posters of Julio hang above every cubicle and inspire. Our focus now is unmatched.

So, on that fine note, let us sift through our inboxes and answer your most urgent and pertinent questions and help you understand what Julio Iglesias would do if…

1. a rabid possum (or rat or pigeon) threatens the neighborhood pets and children.

If this unlikely situation were to happen, Julio would cast a silent, sidelong glance to his trustworthy pet skunk, Pepe, who’d immediately busy himself with eliminating the problem. Pepe, like his owner, has a knack for romancing creatures of every species. After Pepe is put on the case, the only problem you get from that possum are labor screams soon after as that ugly rodent births a litter of skunk-possum hybrids – skussums.

2. someone mussed his hair in an attempt at a jovial, chummy greeting.
This could not be less of an issue to the superhuman Julio. First, no one is dense enough to attempt to greet Julio in such a disrespectful manner. There’s a certain decorum to be maintained. Such a greeting would equate to chest-bumping the Queen of England and shouting, “What up, hot stuff?” Also, if some lunatic were dead set on mussing his hair, Julio would allow it because, little known fact, each of El Julio’s hair follicles has an Adamantium skeleton. For those who are unfamiliar (feel free, like El Guapo, to consult a nerd dictionary), this material is the indestructible alloy that enables Wolverine (Xmen) to watch his wounds close almost as quickly as they open. So a mussing would result in the hair returning to its original position immediately. Try cutting a line through water and you will understand.

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