Comprehensive Immigration Solution: Shoot Them

This blasted Swine flu has made El Guapo think. This is a dangerous thing, amigo. Pardon my use of Spanish there, but when I get passionate, the Espanol slips through the cracks and the guayabera is removed entirely. This impulsive, irrational thinking is the hot-blooded yoke that my people wear, and your Guapo is no exception. And no one and nothing is safe when El Guapo throws on his thinker’s luchador mask, greases himself up, and engages in some Greco-Roman mind-wrestling with the issues of our day. Feel free to hold this image of a glistening, grappling Guapo in your thoughts as you read on. This is my gift to you, at no additional cost.

Disasters bring clarity. It’s the universe’s way of kicking us into a new plane of consciousness. Our realized fears and impending doom whittle away the crap that seemed real even a moment prior. Because of this, El Guapo and his Rosinante will go to the ends of the Earth to distill truth down to its purest. We are your humble whittlers. So, dear frijolero, I will say exactly what no dares to say, that which no one has the courage to shout with unflinching confidence. How does one solve the immigration problem?

Shoot them.

You read correctly. Shoot them.

Dead.

“But Guapo, are you saying what I think you’re saying? There’s no effing way, right? Guapo? I hope that this is some clever ruse, Guapo. For your own sake.”

Check your unruly, illogical nature at the door, my friend. We resist obvious solutions when we shackle ourselves blindly to emotionally based allegiances. Go against your nature, and listen to unbiased logic.

First, many would say, “But Guapo, corporations can go where they want with the greatest of ease in search of cheap labor and resources. Perchance it is hypocritical that we are almost solely concerned with the movement of labor in a similar fashion, when this labor is seeking refuge from the aftermath of a gluttonous, unregulated, globalized economy that overlooks a human component and is increasingly placing wealth in the hands of a select few. In fact, Guapo, aren’t we looking at the effects of corporate globalization and greed and calling that [the migration of labor] the problem?”

To this El Guapo replies: Your use of “perchance” and “hypocritical” in the same sentence underscores your own narcissistic nature, and your fifth grade analysis is cute, but gets us no where. Also – reality check -- corporations cannot carry communicable diseases. Therefore, they are harmless. The logic is indisputable.

And El Guapo knows that many will argue that shooting a human being is wrong in and of it self. But to this El Guapo says, “Who knows what kinds of nefarious diseases the mustache twirling men and women of Mexico will bring with them, wrapped in their ponchos, tucked under sombreros, or within an accordion.

This is war and in war people will die, and these deaths are necessary and require no further justification. Each man, woman, and child should be considered a biological weapon. We must protect our borders by whatever means necessary.

Side note to the incendiary Chicken Littles: Leave your paranoia at the door. It is not xenophobia to insist that all people of Latin American descent wear proof of legal residency and a recent medical evaluation on their chests. It is good common sense. Filipinos too. We can never be too safe. Think of the children. (Ours, not the ones being shot).

I think that you’ll find my logic inescapable if you think on it for a moment.

Your handsome and humble servant,
El Guapo

Of Swine and Cinco de Mayo

URGENT: Please forward this to your non-Latino friends…(and, on a side note…Why do you have non-Latino friends?...Are we not good enough?...)

Mexicans and Mexican Americans (and, in desperate times anyone from Central and South America) are a welcome (some would argue necessary) guest/accessory at most Cinco de Mayo festivities. If you manage to cajole a willing Mexican into joining your obnoxious friends as they bellow La Cuacaracha, gargle tequila, wear novelty sombreros, eat microwave taquitos, and try and use their 10^th grade conversational Spanish, it can reinforce the air of legitimacy that is a must for such an occasion to go off well. And if that Mexican you bring can be persuaded to smile and tap a Corona bottle against yours periodically or, ideally, tell a cool story about being Mexican, the Mexican (or closest facsimile) will altogether give you the street cred you seek and make your night a culturally relevant one. We think it’s tax deductible then. Ask your accountant.

However, please avoid any Mexican with historical knowledge with respect to Cinco de Mayo, because you may end up hearing some mind-numbing stories that will dampen your tequila induced buzz. Not to mention that some uppity Mexican will no doubt claim that this celebration of cultural heritage, this acknowledgment of a significant historical event, is nothing more than a beer company’s wet dream. But if you read the historical blurb on the Dos Equis coaster at the bar, you can shut that annoying jerk up and then tip your sombrero over your eyes and enjoy a siesta against the bar’s inflatable cactus.

Also, try to bring along a Mexican whose pigment is on the darker end of the spectrum (Benito Juarez/Diego Rivera or darker, (See Google images, for color palette)) since then you will not have to explain that he/she is a genuine Mexican. The last thing you need is a debate to break out while you’re trying to school your frat buddy at Golden Tee.

Despite the recent Swine Flu scare, it is strongly recommended that you do not try to proceed with any celebration without a Mexican present. The most recent reports from the CDC actually indicate that the best defense is tongue kissing as many Mexicans as possible, especially those sitting alongside muscle-bound, scowling, unsuspecting significant others (look for those with prison tattoos on their necks or tear drops tattooed near the eyes). Why this is so, has yet to be determined conclusively. However, some scientists postulate that the anti-virus lives on the uvula (look it up, cochino) of frightening Mexicans.

From El Guapo and your friends at eljumpingbean: We wish you a happy and prosperous Cinco de Mayo. May the Corona flow like a rushing river and the bowl of your soul overflow with chicharrones (look it up).