Former Head of McDonald’s Marketing Comes Clean About Latino Hamburgler

As evidence, our source sites this commercial which clearly shows the hamburglar involved in disreputable behavior of all sorts: disrupting an academic setting, stealing, and, most disturbingly, not having the common sense to try a more intelligent approach.

Portland, Oregon

Outside a non-descript coffee house in downtown Portland an elderly man who is asking to remain anonymous sips an iced coffee and offers up company secrets. He claims to have been behind McDonald’s Hamburglar character and many successful ad campaigns for the fast food giant. “I mean, it’s not that McDonald’s has ever truly struggled, but one group that we’ve coveted with a passion is the Hispanic market. In fact, behind the scenes we’ve been in a barroom brawl type research and development race with the other national chains for your affections. Seriously, we were this close [holds fingers a hairs width apart] to finding a way to deep fry cola, something considered to be a scientific impossibility. It's like the Holy Grail of fast food.”

“Well, since a disproportionate percentage of the prison population is Hispanic, we knew that there were plenty of hungry children growing up without male role models, so we slapped some prison stripes on some pajamas and merged zoot suit attire with a Zorro sorta thing and that’s all she wrote. We kept the Hamburglar’s hair and skin rather fair because research indicated that a darker character scared even minority children. And the ‘robble robble’ business came about because, quite frankly, when we flip past Telemundo that’s what we hear. No offense, of course. In any event, demographic gold is what we mined.” Many have argued that fast food companies bear some of the responsibility for Latino children falling through the floor and wheezing at the bottom of the pile when compared to other demographic groups with respect to obesity rates, juvenile diabetes, and other important health categories. “What do you want me to do? Minority Happy Meals bought that shiny imported car you see parked down yonder. I aims to keep it.”

After some arm twisting, our source reluctantly brought us to Gordon Panzabaja, a former Hamburglar who is still irate after being asked to turn in his stripes several years back. “Robble, robble,” he exclaimed in frustrated grunts, as he smoked a cigarette and drank out of a paper bag while ineffectively hiding from Constable McNubbler behind a very skinny tree. After we procured a translator we learned that, like the pop group Menudo, Hamburglars have a short shelf life. “The horizontal stripes are stupid to begin with and then they axe us when we gain some weight. I mean, they have us stealing burgers all day every day and then they act surprised when we put on a few. And now that damn Mayor McCheese and his cronies are out to make sure I don’t talk. F#@k him, you know?”

Unbeknown to us, as a result of a collaborative sting operation, Constable McNubbler waited for our interview to be over and then hopped out of a speeding Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile with the monocled Mr. Peanut and clubbed Mr. Panzabaja with the exubernace of a Rodney King beating. Charges have yet to be filed.


Palpable, Awkward Silence When Woman Mistaken for Nanny

Yesterday El Guapo was mowing. It relaxes him. And here’s a little known related fact, El Guapo invented the Segway. Not the transition from one idea to another (segue), but the independent two-wheeled vehicle that moves a person from one place to another, the thing that makes the toughest thug look like a pigtailed school girl out for a joyride on a modified pogo stick. On his eighth birthday, your guapo received what every young Latino male receives to add to his landscaping arsenal at that age – the intensely yearned for lawnmower. But in true guapo style he modified it to suit his needs. 22-inch chrome, spinning rims. A rattling sound system that shakes the ground announcing his arrival ominously like a dinosaur out of Jurassic Park. Naked lady silhouette mud flaps. A windshield like Ponch used to rock on CHIPs. Both of the previous two enhancements serving practical purposes – not to mention that the windshield also allows the chance to adhere a scorpion decal and hang some fuzzy dice – making it damn manly. He finally slapped some pegs on the vehicle and rode it into the horizon, leaving perfectly manicured lawns in his dust. And even as a little guapo, he traveled and sought to right wrongs, to enlighten, to experience life in all its splendor.

But, back to yesterday.

Sometimes El Guapo just travels the Earth and observes, letting the gentle wind ruffle his hair net. And yesterday he rode past a local park where Rafaela Buendia pushed her young daughter on a swing. El Guapo was listening to the chirping birds and sounds of spring, when a palpably awkward moment silenced everything within a three block radius, and even the disease-ridden pigeons froze mid neck-strut in disbelief. Even his newly installed "La Cucaracha" horn stopped mid " 'racha". A fellow park mom approached Rafaela and struck up a conversation. She assumed Rafaela to be the little girl’s nanny. Upon being horrified to hear that Rafaela was, in fact, not a nanny, the woman changed the subject and asked Rafaela when she was due and put her hand on Rafaela’s abdomen. Rafaela informed the woman that she also, in fact, was not pregnant. The not pregnant woman became irate and quickly picked up her child and walked away. The embarrassed woman chased after Rafaela shouting “Consuelo, I’m so sorry."

In a related story, a local Latino man a block away was mistaken for an elotero when he put down his groceries to tie his shoe at a bus stop and an ear of sweet corn poked out of the top of the bag. A car pulled up and asked him for “a corn and a rice water.” The presumed elotero retorted with, “I got your elote, guey.” The frightened driver raced off and was spotted in front of a swanky restaurant handing his keys to a perplexed Dominican who was smoking outside waiting for his own car to be returned from the valet.

Your handsome and humble servant...
El Guapo

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