4/4/09

Wise Words From El Guapo (The Only Kind of Words He Knows)

"If you like me and the material I think up, posterity will consider you to have had good taste."

~Aristophanes (while El Guapo nods vehemently and rocks b-boy stance)

3/30/09

Young Latino Male Found Reading (Not LowRider Mag)

The following report is based on information received from a reliable source. While the details are sketchy, we will keep you posted on developments as we receive them. Here's what we know. Our trusted source tells us that witnesses outside a Chicago area KrispyKreme possibly encountered something akin to the Sasquatch, Abominable Snowman, Chupacabras, or Loch Ness Monster of the Latino world. The witnesses saw a young man who, "kinda looked like Freddy Rodriguez" reading a book that several eye-witnesses said was definitely fiction. Although, it is unclear how witnesses made this determination. One witness, 72 year-old Nectarine O' Connor, said that she is fairly certain she saw one of those Oprah Book Club stickers on the cover. "The young man was so engrossed in the book,"Nectarine added, "that he didn't notice the growing crowd gathering around him. Gapers' delays and a standing crowd of approximately 120 were reported. Eventually, someone in the astounded and silent gathering sneezed. The man looked up and said, 'Bless you'. This broke the subject's concentration and he was gone like a gazelle fleeing a jaguar. He stuffed the book into his school bag, gave everyone the finger, and hopped on a northbound bus." When asked about the reader's race, another witness, Geronima Suarez said, "I'm pretty sure he was Latino. I dunno. He looked like my nephew Ricky. He could have been Greek or something though, I guess, but I'm pretty sure he was Hispanic. If that man hadn't sneezed, I'd be able to tell you with more confidence." Of course, accounts like this have been reported in recent years with no definitive proof thus far. Last year a hazy camera phone picture was taken outside a Seatle cafe, but a team of specialists remain unconvinced. It was proven inconclusive and possibly doctored. We will continue to follow the investigation as it proceeds.

Chavelo’s top 10 Recession-Proof Interviewing Tips

Greetings loyal frijoleros. El Guapo has never needed to search for employment. As a matter of fact, he often has to hide from the stupid Ford Modeling people who hide in his bushes and throw stacks of hundred dollar bills at him and try to snag him with traps baited with hand mirrors and hair products. For the last time Ford cabrones, El Guapo will live off his looks no longer (shaking fists angrily). So, El Guapo seeing the desparate need for interview tips in such a climate, thought of you and delegated the topic to El Creido, el paletero who stops by the eljumpingbean offices during break times. El Creido, in turn, interviewed his Tio Chavelo to come up with the following list. Unfortunately, during the brainstorm session, Chavelo was fired for using company time to come up with top ten lists.

10.. Make sure you show up on time! The “Mexican-time” excuse has been leaked out to the Gringos and they are on to us!

9. The poncho is apparently not suited for job interviews no mores. Huaraches are also frowned upon.

8. Please don’t smear beans or any type of grease on the application—speaking of applications, there is something called a resuma or resumi (something like that) ask somebody about it and get one. I hear it’s better than just filling out the application.

7. When speaking to the interviewer, make eye contact! I know your mami told you not to look at adults in the eye cuz its disrespectful, but this is something they like.

6. Make sure you shave or trim you bigote a bit; you don’t wanna look like an Arab or nothing, at least not right now, or else the terrorists have won.

5. Tell your baby-mama or baby-daddy to stay in the car and wait for you, they don’t like it when your entourage enters with you. (Entourage, mira muy chignon!)

4. When they ask you about your work history, don’t tell them about the time you were caught stealing aguacates for the cook-out, they don’t care that they are almost $2 a piece!

3. Make sure you bring your mica with you or at least go and buy one prior to the interview, people aren’t that interested in hiring mojados no mores.

2. One more thing about your work history, don’t mention that time when you tried to sleep with your white boss in a sad attempt at becoming a legalized resident or citizen.

1. DON”T ask for a stimulus package before being offered a job and DON’T ask them to kiss your stimulus package if you don’t get the job!

I hope this helps my peoples during these hard times. I have had the same job for 25 years working as a chef (ok I prepare schools lunches), and I have been asked by all my tios, tias, and primos to help them out, so in that effort, I figured this would help you too, ok bye!

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