3/20/09

La Reconquista

The time is upon us. Those of Mexican decent have waited patiently since The Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo (February, 2 1848), a treaty whose terms were dictated by The United States and resulted in the loss of 55% of Mexico's pre-war territory. The patient seeds of rebellion have fermented in anger through consecutive generations and have grown into one pissed tree that's about to fall on some unsuspecting motherf#@!ers. El Guapo is honored to have been unanimously selected as your leader in this endeavor. This is a complex operation, and I assure you some brilliant minds seem to be on to us, and their analytical skills are astounding and filed down to a diamond point:


With this type of keen analysis and nuanced thinking, we must step softly. This woman is both skeletorishly beautiful and wise beyond description. There's no way she's human.

We must all smile stupidly and try to look harmless in the duration. Perhaps, you can bat a yarn ball around like a cute kitty if anyone seems to suspect anything.

We are in the final throes of economic collapse - a clear indication that our dastardly plan is developing beautifully. In the kitchens of Olive Gardens everywhere men are sharpening blades and turning up the volume on radios, blaring obnoxious Spanish-speaking morning DJs as the apron-clad groups synchronize watches and mumble suggestions to one another about the most efficient ways to kill and maim and the many ways to use a filthy apron as a lethal weapon. In picket-fenced suburban homes, Latina nannies who've taught blond and red-headed children to fear the chancla and el cucuy are prepping the homes for use in the insurrection. Landscapers are mowing symbols into lawns to guide invading aircraft packed with criminals and the disease ridden to their destinations - where they will be dropped like so many biological bombs.

In fact, need we be reminded that this whole financial debacle was set off by our strategically placed economic insurgents disguised as janitorial workers who clicked a mouse a couple times on some executive computers and then BAM here we go...back to The Stoneage. You all know your assignments, so please begin the final stage of Operation Reconquest.

When the dust settles, we will corral any dissenters in Utah or launch them into Canada one at a time.
Everyone must do their part. Mexican drug lords are doing what they can to burn Mexico to the ground. Like Cortez destroyed his ships upon arrival to ensure success, so we shall annihilate Mexico to underscore the urgency and the fact that there is no turning back. Wax your sinister handlebar mustaches, mi gente. Victory is ours.

And remember...shhhhhh. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

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