3/13/09

Jose, Can You See? / Kryptonite Speedo

Recently, many have voiced their pleasure/displeasure/excitement/dismay over developments in the Illinois State General Assembly regarding bill SB1557 which would amend the school code in Illinois effective January 1, 2010 and require
every public elementary school and high school to include in its curriculum a unit of instruction studying the events related to the forceful removal and illegal deportation of almost 2,000,000 Mexican-American U.S. citizens during the Great Depression, beginning in 1929 and ending in the mid-1940's.
Introduced by Illinois Senator William Delgado, the bill is a disastrous and short-sighted change, and El Guapo is jumping in his loyal lowrider, Rosinante, throwing on his swankiest hairnet, opening the top two buttons on his most elegant guayabera (two open buttons means business, my friend), nestling his best gold medallion comfortably into his copious chest hair, and heading down to Springfield to put an end to the madness.

“But, Guapo,” you say, “what problem could there possibly be with what is surely an attempt to address a significant missing chapter of the nation’s history? How could this be anything but positive, nay, necessary? If anything, it has been a long time coming.”

For the simple-minded it would appear this way. If you are this brainless, perhaps you’d prefer to stop reading now and go back to eating paint chips or whatever it is you do. But, of course, you can count on El Guapo to shake up paradigms and poke topics from every conceivable perspective (and even some perspectives that are not conceivable). Let’s proceed.

Frijoleros, let us explore some basic logic:
  • First, invisibility is a trait that is desirable. This is indisputable. Every human on the planet has at one point or another pondered the endless possibilities that come with being invisible. It is the stuff of comic book superheroes.
  • Second, Latinos have been blessed with being virtually invisible in many facets of society.
So, clearly, any pendejo can see that U.S. Latinos are as a result, in many respects, superheroes. But some would ruin this for the rest of us by wanting us scribbled into the margins of a history book. It’s like Superman voluntarily wearing a Kryptonite Speedo…

3/8/09

Turduckens of Mystery: El Guapo and the Frijoleros

A turducken is a dish consisting of a partially de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck, which itself is stuffed with a small de-boned chicken.

Who is this masked man who smokes his pipe pensively, strokes his chin, and enlightens with every syllable uttered, every word typed? Who is this El Guapo and why has he only recently surfaced. What is his aim? And just how Guapo is he? Much has been asked about El Guapo, eljumpingbean, and these damn frijoleros who have begun to take over the world through a deliberate and methodical global movement.

El Guapo and his band of misanthropic Frijoleros have been described as turduckens of mystery. They are an enigma shoved inside the hollowed out carcass of a riddle and finally crammed violently into the deboned cavern of a conundrum....all of this, of course, served with a generous cucharada of refried beans.

Let's begin with his Guaponess. How Guapo is this man who does not post his image for all to see? First, rest assured that he is the most guapo, the guapo-est if you will. But he has learned that his ideas, regardless of how brilliant (and, they are always illumined and prophetic) will not be ingested if folks are entranced by his indescribable, overwhelming, and rugged beauty. Such is the double-edged sword.

As for his aim...well, that is something else altogether. El Guapo seeks collective enlightenment. He walks the world with his loyal band of frijoleros and shares his divine message - like a Jehovah's Witness, except rather than hiding and drawing the curtains, the world drinks his words like a thirsty desert. He angers and entertains. He enlightens through frustration. He questions the seemingly unquestionable. He kicks ideas around until they lie in an unrecognizably bloody pulp.

And, "Why now, El Guapo?" you ask, "Why do you step forth from the fog now?" The answer to that is simple.

It is time.

Humanity needs El Guapo. His cross is heavy, but he wears it like a medallion buried in his chest hair. He embraces stereotypes until they lie there dead and twitching. Books shall be written about this legendary figure, children shall be named after him, and schools dedicated to his teachings.

World domination is inevitable. Join El Guapo or prepare to lie there steamrolled flat by his followers like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon.

Movie & TV Show Preview Widget