2/19/09

Can We Just Have The Old Racism Back? This Beta Version Isn't Working Out

We know you called no take backs, but El Guapo and the folks at eljumpingbean are begging to be done with this new, improved racism. It's like Pepsi Clear (remember the short-lived rampage that companies were on in the 80's where they thought we wanted to see through everything?) Anyway, like Pepsi Clear we tried it and we no likey. We'd much prefer a return to our old, worn (but oddly comfortable), run of the mill in-your-face variety of racism.

Nothing like a burning effigy with a big sombrero, wrapped in a Mexican flag to let you know where you stand. Here at eljumpingbean, we like to know where we stand. Instead, what do we get now? Well, plenty of well and not so well-intentioned folks say wonderfully mysterious things that are far too cloaked or ambiguous or wrapped in some serious, transparent racial-guilt.

"I love Latinos."
(All of us? Really? Even we don't like all of us. Glad you like us all though.)

"You're not like a regular Mexican, though. You're different. You know what I mean?"
(No. We don't. At all. But we'd love to keep watching as you awkwardly explain yourself.)

"Did you make these taquitos?"
(Really? I mean the box is right here. Look. You saw me take them out of the freezer and put them into the microwave.)

"Your culture is so lively, so spicy."
(Thanks, but that's not our culture - it's a Taco Bell chimichanga that you covered with a packet of salsa.)

"Oh, but I married a Puerto Rican."
(Oh, sh*t, my fault. Say whatever racist thing you want then, because since you married a Latino, you are wrapped in a cloak of Latino invincibility.)

Let us go back to when we were OTHER and neighbors moved out to the suburbs as soon as you walked the neighborhood with the realtor. Those were simpler times. Let us go back.

Message to Your Local News Crews: Stop Interviewing That Pendejo

This is the guy that is often sought for comment. He rarely conducts interviews.

Message to Your Local News Crews: Stop Interviewing That Pendejo

Near the Corner Store -
Latinos across the country have been listening eagerly to El Guapo's advice. The newest Guapo-inspired drinking game, for instance, has become so popular that Parker Bros. and Milton Bradley are in an unprecedented bidding war for the rights to make it into the next classic. Tentatively entitled "Boracho" (Bow-Ra-Cho) the game is interactive and has players watch the local news and take a shot of their libation of choice anytime the news crew interviews a complete and utter moron. Players take three shots when the pendejo in question is black or Latino. There will be a big Surgeon General's warning on the box, since you will be sh*tfaced in a matter of moments.

Eljumpingbean's investigative team has finally concluded their investigation of media coverage in minority neighborhoods and has proven that your local news crew does intentionally pick the dumbest minority representative in a given batch of witnesses. "Naw, es que guat happened is uh she dun ranned pasted pero fast and sh*t, you know. Hey, can I throw a shout out for my shorteez and my baby mamas. Holla. Anyways, es que she like supposably was going asi, like fast. Pero the otro car went ou' of the el parking lot asi all slow about it...." This excerpt of an interview is not damning in and of itself until you realize that the incident took place outside of a conference for Latino Genius Grant recipients, and the reporters chose the one guy holding the forty, who, in fact, was the only person who did not witness the incident. Oh, and he had stumbled mistakenly into the conference looking for Little Psyko Killa, his homey who had had to take a crazy piss and then never came back to the lowrider.

2/16/09

EJB Science Corner: The New, Improved Pinto Bean

EJB Science Corner: The New, Improved Pinto Bean

CHIPANCINGO DE LOS BRAVO, Mexico
Many cultures have recognized the many nutritional benefits of the magically simple legume, the pinto bean, but this week a Mexican mad scientist - together with his Bunsen burners, his beakers, and his tub of crema, supercharged the Mexican staple with some slight genetic modifications.

The pinto bean or frijol (free-hole) has historically been recognized as a natural and potent source of many critical vitamins and minerals. Many US Latinos, particularly those with Mexican roots, easily recognize the countless benefits of the run-of-of-the-mill frijol and continue to use it as the ever present side dish. Many in this group have been known to eat all entrees with a full ladle from the ubiquitous pot on the back burner. It is not uncommon to see pizza, a Big Mac, a ham sandwich, or pasta served with a mound of frijoles.

Just a few of the aforementioned benefits of the pinto bean:
  • Increased fertility...Yep, that's why Ximena had 6 kids before she was out of high school. She wasn't lying when she swore she was still a virgin. Some guy sneezed towards her on the subway.
  • Super strength...That's right asshole, be rude to the valet and eventually he'll tear your arms off and beat you with them.
  • Superior intelligence...nuff said?
  • Ability to leap 16 feet and 1 inch (US/Mexico border fence is 16 ft at it's highest....stupid stupid stupid)
  • Ability to use hands to burrow far into even the most rocky terrain (Keep building the fence higher and higher)
Many claim that cultures with historically frijol-dependent diets are on the cusp of an evolutionary breakthrough that the rest of civilization will not undergo for thousands of years. It is unclear what this might entail.

When asked what the genetic modifications will do to the already nutritious and delicious frijol, the mad scientist said, "Not much. Now the bean will grow and will produce its own internal lard in order to make refrying a cinch."

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