2/6/09

Cultural Impasse II: Electric Boogaloo


Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo

Turbo and Ozone were prophets, the patron saints of race - ambassadors of tolerance.
Let's continue to explore the cultural differences that hinder race relations, that obstruct brother-(and sister-) hood. This week we continue our path towards unity, towards our cultural and racial group hug.

Cultural Impasse II: Electric Boogaloo

We don't understand white folks' fascination with frisbee sports and The Dave Matthews Band, and we don't think Caddy Shack is the greatest movie ever. Also, we don't get the matching family sweater on the Christmas card. Where do we go from here?

How can we come together unless we understand our differences. Here at eljumpingbean, as a way to bridge the gap, we want to hear the things that leave you scratching your head about another race. Let's try to get to know and understand each other. Knowledge is power. The more you know, the more you grow. One potato, two potato, three potato, four. [And other trite cliches]

I have yet to get a satisfactory answer as to why Dane Cook is entertaining...please ask your local Caucasian on my behalf. Please. It truly irks El Guapo more than he'd care to admit.

Similarly, African-Americans- I don't get R. Kelly. At all. Forget the peeing on a minor thing. I mean in terms of talent. Perhaps he is a talented urinator? Help me understand.

Emails have poured in asking Latinos to do some splainin' themselves
. While I am qualified to speak on the behalf of all Latinos (We voted, remember? Perhaps you missed that meeting. It was run on Anglo time.) I will open the floor to any and everyone who may disagree (or agree) with my responses.

One Ms. Crackershank doesn't understand why her Latina coworker can never make it anywhere on time. "Is this a cultural thing?" she asks.

Ms. Crackershank, the answer is yes. What we have here is a cultural safety mechanism that is hardwired into most Latinos. Latinos are Mestizos - a combo of Amerindian and European ancestry, generally. Many of these Amerindian tribes had a very complex view of time and were immensely advanced in this respect. However, upon colonization and subjugation there was a significant cultural shift. When the colonizers announced that they were giving away free blankets, the Amerindians said, "Awhellsnaw" [common Amerindian expression of disbelief that is still used commonly to this day, as in "Awhellsnaw, that bitch didn't say that."] and they lined up around the block. [Yes, we've always flocked to free stuff] So, those who were first in line got their blankets and laughed at and flicked off their friends at the back of the line who had arrived late and had missed out. They went home, snuggled under the blanket, and then - you guessed it - soon after died of smallpox. So, who got the last laugh? [ignoring that the survivors were killed, raped, and enslaved --- but, thankfully, no smallpox blanket]

So, Ms. Crackershank, your friend is, as a result, hardwired to be suspicious and late to everything. Most Latinos will arrive late to a party because if anyone is going to drop dead from something in an Appletini it sure as hell is not going to be them. I hope this sheds some light on the issue and helps you understand your coworker.

Here at eljumpingbean we strive to get at the naked truth...and then point and laugh at it...for the benefit of human kind.

2/3/09

Univision Planning Judicious, Money-Saving Boob Cut-backs

Univision Planning Judicious, Money-Saving Boob Cut-backs

MIAMI, Florida

Economic troubles have ransacked virtually every media network in existence and have made budget slashing a necessary byproduct in boardrooms across the country. Countless long-respected newspapers and magazines have been threatened with extinction. Powerhouse Spanish broadcast television network Univision has not been spared and is currently looking at ways to tighten their belt as the United States economy endures difficult economic times - significantly affecting both ad revenue and, as a result, increasing stock holders desires that something be f-ing done already.

With a full 30% of production costs of Univision programming being spent on cleavage and cleavage-related expenditures, it quickly became a focal point of the game-plan for Chief Financial Officer Don Francisco (unexpected, I know), who commented that, "definitively, something's got to give." At this point in the interview, he shouted, "Y que dice el publico?" to an empty room.

"There is a balance that we must fight to maintain. No one is denying this. People have expectations when they watch our programming. We have a boob quota, just like we have other things that our viewers expect. For instance, they expect programs where women play the disturbing roles of sexualized school girls and male comedians play perverted schoolboys. While the possibility of serious cuts has become highly contentious, we must maintain these quotas in order to remain a viable network," an unidentified network source reported.

Sources claim that the network is experimenting with computer generated boobs and with potentially running a hooter ticker-tape feed like some of the news and sports networks run scores and story summaries. "Male cleavage is definitely cheaper," Don Franscisco argues. "When possible, we may use overweight men to supplement our boob count and keep costs down."

When asked if it might be a good time to steer away from these misogynistic depictions of women and even produce more thoughtful content, our source laughed so hard that we had trouble getting back on track...and we eventually became frustrated and stopped trying.

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