This was intended to be posted later this week, but frijoleros demanded it now.
the man who allowed for the evolutionary leap that is El Guapo...
You try to rock a feathered mullet (apparently a theme this week)...
you can't...YOU CAN'T!!!!
(As a rule, I try to avoid exclamation points, but this situation calls for four)
One man did this and that man is the key to our salvation.
Op-Ed: El Guapo
As a student of history...as a student of the world...as a problem solver...I see what others cannot. My eyes see through the fog which envelops you. I am, you could say, a prophet...and as a great summer movie starring Tobey Mcguire once had as its tag-line - "With great power, comes great responsibility."
And with this said, we must look at our past to find the spirit and example that can allow us to handle challenges with grace, to rise above the fray, and to kick our way through difficult times. With this idea, I introduce a segment to eljumpingbean in which we look at what Julio Iglesias would do if and when he was to encounter specific challenges - be these problems personal, national, or global in nature. Needless to say - he is a man who teaches through example, but he will not do for us what he thinks we can and/or should do for ourselves.
"C'mon, El Guapo, Julio Iglesias is just a man. He sings. He might even have furthered the Latin Lover stereotype. [Truth be told it's the only legitimate and verifiable Latino stereotype out there]. He had a notable career, but how can he help me, my community, my world?" If you are asking this, you are silly and naive and I demand you stop reading this and punch yourself in the face repeatedly for failing to recognize the awe-inspiring power which was divinely poured into this man.
Well, through his examples, we can find the path that we seek.
Here are the much anticipated completed scenarios:
If Julio Iglesias was attacked by an alligator...he'd put his finger softly on the alligator's lips. Julio'd open an extra button on his already opened shirt. He'd finish uncorking a wine bottle, and he'd serve the alligator a healthy amount. Before the alligator could even figure out what was going on, it'd be carrying an Iglesias.
If Julio Iglesias' luggage was lost on a flight...he'd stare seductively into the distance all pensively...the airport would screech to a halt as his plane would race to retrieve his bags, in reverse. Sort of like what Superman did at the end of the first Superman movie. The sheer power of Julio's will would make this happen.
If Julio Iglesias was cut off in traffic...he'd stare seductively at the driver in question through the driver's rear view mirror. The driver would get lost in Iglesias' eyes, swerve into another lane, and then -- splat. Don't mess with the Julio. Don't.
If Julio Iglesias unwittingly encountered a poltergeist on an ancient Indian cemetary...he'd make romance the lamenting Native American and comfort her/him for the sad history of subjugation (in a culturally respectful way).
If Julio Iglesias was challenged to hand-to-hand combat by a mix martial arts master...he'd allow the martial art master to attempt his first strike, but the mixed martial arts master's hands would betray him and would be unable to strike the Julio. They would suddenly reverse and begin beating their master's face into a bloody hamburger-like pulp.
If Julio Iglesias lost his girl to another man...[trick question...This would never happen!] Seriously...just wouldn't...not a freakin chance...Ni madre...
If Julio Iglesias was captured by Al Queda...they'd beg to be trained in his ways, turning in their suicide bomber cards and signing up to be suicide lovers...lovers.
While science fiction has forever teased us with the possibility of time travel – via DeLorean, phone booth, black/worm hole, an array of doors/portals, and, my personal favorite, character just getting clonked on the head – we have been left with exactly nothing to show for it. Until now. This week the Science Department at our eljumpingbean offices (who we previously believed were just trying to get us some free HBO) have made the greatest scientific breakthrough since electricity and The Sham-Wow.
As part of the final testing phase in the time machine's development, El Guapo bravely volunteered to travel to the future and report back on the status of the world in 2099. However, after being informed that it could very well prove dangerous to leap into the complete unknown and whatnot, he invoked some executive privilege and instead volunteered some nameless mocoso intern to go out with a camera phone, some duct tape, and a blessing. The nameless mocoso never returned, but here at eljumpingbean we are willing to make those tough sacrifices for you, loyal frijoleros. In any event, here are some things that we were able to decipher from the shaky video and the intern's incomplete, profanity-strewn, Blair-Witch like audio.
Contrary to the popular depiction pushed by crazy science fiction writers, we do not end up at war or enslaved by machines...We end up hiding from the machines (because, who are we kidding – they can kick our ass). We're underground, and, due to necessity, we become cannibals. (Good news though...with enough ketchup and/or Tapatio salsa, even cardboard (or, in this case, human flesh) tastes okay.
In the United States, despite trends indicating that the Latino population would continue its exponential growth, race stops being an issue of any sort. Mole-human interracial copulation (mole-humans, as in those human survivors living in hand-dug tunnels and eating grubs and roots) results in everyone looking like Tiger Woods, but even this doesn't matter anyway because humanity lives underground, in the dark, like moles. And the old expression, “Everyone's black in the dark” becomes a particular meaningful truism.
Disco makes a return...and is now not only the only dance/fashion style permitted, but also, more importantly it's the only sanctioned form of combat among the subterranean-mole-humans...
Inexplicably, even with the human race having been almost uniformly blended to a Filipino hue, film and television roles in mole-land go almost exclusively to the three remaining Caucasian actors
Perhaps we will send another peon to gather more information at a later date, but until the current legal issues blow over (and they will – there's no mocoso body to speak of) we'll just keep everything on the back burner.