1/17/09

Op-Ed: What Would Julio Iglesias Do?

What Would Julio Iglesias Do?


The Godfather...
the man who allowed for the evolutionary leap that is El Guapo...
You try to rock a feathered mullet (apparently a theme this week)...
you can't...YOU CAN'T!!!!
(As a rule, I try to avoid exclamation points, but this situation calls for four)
One man did this and that man is the key to our salvation.


Op-Ed: El Guapo

As a student of history...as a student of the world...as a problem solver...I see what others cannot. My eyes see through the fog which envelops you. I am, you could say, a prophet...and as a great summer movie staring Tobey Mcguire once had as its tag-line - "With great power, comes great responsibility."

And with this said, we must look at our past to find the spirit and example that can allow us to handle challenges with grace, to rise above the fray, and to kick our way through difficult times. With this idea, I introduce a segment to eljumpingbean in which we look at what Julio Iglesias would do if and when he was to encounter specific challenges - be these problems personal, national, or global in nature. Needless to say - he is a man who teaches through example, but he will not do for us what he thinks we can and/or should do for ourselves.

"C'mon, El Guapo, Julio Iglesias is just a man. He sings. He might even have furthered the Latin Lover stereotype. [Truth be told it's the only legitimate and verifiable Latino stereotype out there]. He had a notable career, but how can he help me, my community, my world?" If you are asking this, you are silly and naive and I demand you stop reading this and punch yourself in the face repeatedly for failing to recognize the awe-inspiring power which was divinely poured into this man.

Well, through his examples, we can find the path that we seek.

As a teaser, I have included the scenarios that other frijoleros [loyal eljumpingbean readers] have suggested we engage. We have not included Julio's responses. These will come at a later date. Feel free to ponder and predict until we reveal...

If Julio Iglesias was attacked by an alligator...

If Julio Iglesias' luggage was lost on a flight...

If Julio Iglesias was cut off in traffic...

If Julio Iglesias unwittingly encountered a poltergeist on an anciant Indian cemetary...

If Julio Iglesias was challenged to hand-to-hand combat by a mix martial arts master...

If Julio Iglesias lost his girl to another man...[trick question...This would never happen!]

If Julio Iglesias was captured by Al Queda...

1/16/09

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Sure...You Can Rock That Permed Mullet, But Who'll Repect You in the Morning?

Say it ain't so, Cube?

The highly venomous Latino permed mullet.

Nascar mullet

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCMENT: Sure, You Can Rock That Permed Mullet, But Who'll Respect You in the Morning?

This is a public service announcement dealing with a silent killer in many of our communities – the undomesticated and overdomesticated mullet. It takes many forms and affects countless lives, and unfortunately for all, there is no cure. It's this blind fiasco, this tragic hair style that binds us all. Race, color, creed be damned. It's incarnations are varied, but equally frightening. It's results are unquestionably damaging...Loss of respect and credibility, social leprosy, unmitigated shame masked as contrarian pride. Researchers studying the virus have found that if the virus causing the condition mutates into an airborne contagion, we may be looking at an infection rate of over 90 percent.

The white trash mullet strain is commonly accompanied by patriotic tattoos (eagles and flags/ eagles with flags in their mouths or talons), a rusty pick-up truck, and a predilection for pork rinds. It has been described as “business up front and a party in the back” and it has its roots in the powdered wigs of the American founding fathers. The black mullet has only been found in the Jheri curl variety ---see Ice Cube and Easy E of the 1980s gansta rap group NWA. The Latino mullet is a particularly chameleon-like strain. It can be as informal and working-class as the unkempt strain or as disturbing as what has been classified as the most dangerous – the high-maintenance peacock strut of the mullets, the permed-mullet. Asians seem to be particularly immune and are being studied with keen interest.

What makes the situation particularly sad is that children often involuntarily contract this condition from their parents. The Department of Children and Family Services has been working on litigation to have these children removed from parental custody in such cases. The Supreme Court has yet to rule. Remember, when it comes to children -- they learn it from watching you.

Please help. This is not a problem; It's OUR problem. If you know someone who rocks a mullet, prepare to intervene - formal intervention, stealth sleeping hair slash, or guilt trip. Use what you have. Please become a part of the solution.

1/12/09

Jesus Christ to Replace Honey Smacks Frog

Jesus confidence that new moves will resurrect his image.


Spock fared poorly in focus groups. The ears. It was the ears.


These two had NO chemistry.

Jesus Christ to Replace Honey Smacks Frog

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan
In a move that can only be described as unexpected, Jesus Christ signed a lucrative endorsement deal with with the Kellogg company to replace Dig'em The Frog as the cereal's spokesman . While details have yet to be released, a brief press conference this morning did confirm that Jesus will be found on cereal boxes nationwide beginning early February. Dig' em could not be reached for comment, but sources close to him say that all the years of sugar smacking have wreaked havoc on both his physical and mental health. "All of us have really taken on a particularly heavy psychological burden recently. Everyone's blaming us for rising childhood obesity, diabetes, and cavities. Quite frankly, Dig' em's better off. Let see how this "new" Jesus can handle it....hua ha ha," Count Chocula, who himself has recently struggled with bouts of depression and a brief stint in rehab, commented on the development regarding his old college roommate.

Latino health advocates and disgruntled bees have made life particularly difficult on Dig'em, who was born Ronaldo Martinez. Early in his career he quickly became a Latino media darling - often found canoodling with fellow A-list Latino celebrities of the short-lived Latin Explosion. However, now with Latino children ranking near the bottom of every health-related category, Dig'em has received death threats and has been shunned by the Latino community altogether. During a 2001 Barbara Walter's Special, Dig'em, in tears, admitted to a serious Crystal Meth addiction resulting from feeling like a cultural scapegoat. "Why me? I don't put the sugar in the box. I don't put the box in your house. I don't put the spoon in your kids mouth. I smile and they take my picture. I'm just trying to feed my tadpoles, you know?"

Relatedly, speculation had been growing for months about which product/company Jesus Christ would throw his considerable clout behind. Sources close to the Lord and Savior said he was ready for a serious image shake-up, that he felt he needed to become more relevant and leave the perception of the meloncholy sufferer behind. "He wants to resurrect interest in the worst-tasting cereal out there. That guy likes to take some challenges..."

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