Let He Who is Without Sin… (El Guapo’s Conversation with God)

God has a sense of humor and has personally tapped El Guapo to pen a new teen sex comedy. He’s a fan of the genre. Who knew? Personally, El Guapo thinks that there are better things to write, but I don’t want to rumble with this guy. Remember what he did to Sodom and Gomorrah?

Keep in mind, God is not satisfied with mediocre – except for his indescribable love of reality shows. He’s an enigma that way. He says that they allow one to explore the human condition, but I think he’s full of it and should be ashamed for that Rock of Love crap. So, in any event, to keep it fresh, God has demanded that the setting of this particular film be Washington D.C. (and not an all-white suburban high school) and the horny teenagers be replaced with horny middle aged congressmen and senators chasing tail with reckless abandon – shame, caution, and their asses to the wind.

“But why, God?” El Guapo shook his fists at the rumbling sky. El Guapo was admittedly sulking like a toyless child for being forced to write some Porky’s type garbage for sexagenarians. (Porky's 2: Capital Hill Boogaloo?) God rumbled an addendum to the ten commandments – to be added to the bottom of the list with an asterisk and which deviates from the previous pattern. Admittedly, God has started drinking in the evenings - excuse the inconsistency. He called it a rule of thumb rather than any full blown, hell-damning guideline. “Just keep it in mind, yo.” (Little known fact – sometimes God likes to keep it street. Word.)

*Rule of thumb: When someone, particularly a politician, builds a career on moral righteousness and finger wagging, you best believe they’re sleeping with – and in all likelihood drugging – farm animals. The louder they denounce gays– the more likely they’re as gay as the day is long. The more they pontificate on the sanctity of marriage, the more likely they’re cheating on their spouses with clandestine Argentineans or using campaign funds to keep their adulteresses from spilling the beans. The more they talk about Me, the less compassionate they are. The more they explain how they are a friend to all races and do not see color, the more likely they kick minorities in the crotch as they walk the streets. The more they want drug dealers and users to be imprisoned for life, the more likely they’re probably Rush Limbaugh and hopped up on Hillbilly Heroin. Let this be known, henceforth and forever.

The screenplay is reluctantly in the works with a tentative release date of August 2010.

1 comment:

  1. God speaks only to the great and El Guapo is ready to join the pantheon of holy messengers. Have you considered you own TV show? It would be refreshing to see a Latino hawking prayers for a buck instead of the usual Good Ole Boy televangelists like Jimmy Swaggart, Robert Tilton and Jerry Falwell. (You ever notice how God can be so all powerful but still need your money to do His work?) Anyway, should you decide to become the Latino Robert Schuller, I will be glad to be one of the guys who goes up and down the aisle passing the plate. I'm willing to work on commission, too.


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