Comprehensive Immigration Solution: Shoot Them

This blasted Swine flu has made El Guapo think. This is a dangerous thing, amigo. Pardon my use of Spanish there, but when I get passionate, the Espanol slips through the cracks and the guayabera is removed entirely. This impulsive, irrational thinking is the hot-blooded yoke that my people wear, and your Guapo is no exception. And no one and nothing is safe when El Guapo throws on his thinker’s luchador mask, greases himself up, and engages in some Greco-Roman mind-wrestling with the issues of our day. Feel free to hold this image of a glistening, grappling Guapo in your thoughts as you read on. This is my gift to you, at no additional cost.

Disasters bring clarity. It’s the universe’s way of kicking us into a new plane of consciousness. Our realized fears and impending doom whittle away the crap that seemed real even a moment prior. Because of this, El Guapo and his Rosinante will go to the ends of the Earth to distill truth down to its purest. We are your humble whittlers. So, dear frijolero, I will say exactly what no dares to say, that which no one has the courage to shout with unflinching confidence. How does one solve the immigration problem?

Shoot them.

You read correctly. Shoot them.


“But Guapo, are you saying what I think you’re saying? There’s no effing way, right? Guapo? I hope that this is some clever ruse, Guapo. For your own sake.”

Check your unruly, illogical nature at the door, my friend. We resist obvious solutions when we shackle ourselves blindly to emotionally based allegiances. Go against your nature, and listen to unbiased logic.

First, many would say, “But Guapo, corporations can go where they want with the greatest of ease in search of cheap labor and resources. Perchance it is hypocritical that we are almost solely concerned with the movement of labor in a similar fashion, when this labor is seeking refuge from the aftermath of a gluttonous, unregulated, globalized economy that overlooks a human component and is increasingly placing wealth in the hands of a select few. In fact, Guapo, aren’t we looking at the effects of corporate globalization and greed and calling that [the migration of labor] the problem?”

To this El Guapo replies: Your use of “perchance” and “hypocritical” in the same sentence underscores your own narcissistic nature, and your fifth grade analysis is cute, but gets us no where. Also – reality check -- corporations cannot carry communicable diseases. Therefore, they are harmless. The logic is indisputable.

And El Guapo knows that many will argue that shooting a human being is wrong in and of it self. But to this El Guapo says, “Who knows what kinds of nefarious diseases the mustache twirling men and women of Mexico will bring with them, wrapped in their ponchos, tucked under sombreros, or within an accordion.

This is war and in war people will die, and these deaths are necessary and require no further justification. Each man, woman, and child should be considered a biological weapon. We must protect our borders by whatever means necessary.

Side note to the
incendiary Chicken Littles: Leave your paranoia at the door. It is not xenophobia to insist that all people of Latin American descent wear proof of legal residency and a recent medical evaluation on their chests. It is good common sense. Filipinos too. We can never be too safe. Think of the children. (Ours, not the ones being shot).

I think that you’ll find my logic inescapable if you think on it for a moment.

Your handsome and humble servant,
El Guapo


  1. I fear some not-so-bright people will miss the satire...


  2. This is brilliant. Donald Rumsfeld is out of work. He could head the project. And the Minutemen will work for free. El Guapo, you have devised the "ultimate solution." Wait, didn't somebody use that before?

  3. Jo Ann - I know...El Guapo solves yet another modern societal problem. I prefer not to intervene

    Lizi - What satire?

    Raul - Rummy and the Minutemen have agreed and are now sitting in wait with assault weapons...Patriots indeed. As for the "ultimate solution", I like the ring, but why do I feel like if I use it I have to be more forward thinking when it comes to my facial hair?


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