Quick Conversation with Angry Gang Member #3

HOLLYWOOD, California -

On the set of NBC's newest crime drama, Law and Order: Filthy Scumbags, Tomas Alvarez sat and sipped some Earl Grey tea with his pinky up. The gang tattoos that crawl up and down his arms were busily being touched up by the show's make-up crew. Tomas, a classically trained Shakespearean actor, has added to his lengthy television and film credits this past year. "2009 has been one busy year. I was Dead Thug #4 in NBC's Southland pilot, Scowling Drug Dealer #2 on an episode of House, Inmate #26 on Prison Break." He stopped to sip his tea, then continued, "I played Simba in the Lakeside Mall production of The Lion King, and I almost had the role of skilled Mexican-American heart surgeon Jose Tobasco on an upcoming Fox medical drama, Arterial Damages. That was before they cast Ashton Kutcher and renamed the character Joey Basco. So, all-in-all I'm living the dream."

Entertainment Weekly bestowed on him the coveted Minorities to Watch Award, which, unfortunately, contrary to how it may sound, warns those in the industry to keep an eye on their personal effects when Alvarez is on the set. "I take it as the highest honor. Clearly I'm so convincing at playing these roles that women fear me and clutch their purses and producers count every fork and spoon at the craft services table."


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  2. One time I went to a Sting concert (I'm not sure why, but it was free in Grant Park) and the white ladies kept clutching their purses when we got close. How do I come up with an alias?

  3. Anonymous-
    First, it serves you right for being at a Sting concert...free or not.

    Second, El Guapo's guapo-sense is tingling. Are you, perchance, like the shoplifter who gets incensed when the security guard follows him/her at the mall? Had you been mugging the anglos prior to this? "Yeah, I stole THEIR purses, cracker, but why you gotta be all racist and think I'ma steal from yous guys too. I got the ACLU on speed dial, bitches."

    Third, how would El Guapo be able to help you with an alias? Are you implying that his real name is not, in fact, El Guapo?

  4. It's me, Lizi, dummy. I've been followed plenty and I don't steal (except when I stole books when I was in high school).

    I still don't know why I went to that concert...


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