Former Head of McDonald’s Marketing Comes Clean About Latino Hamburgler
As evidence, our source sites this commercial which clearly shows the hamburglar involved in disreputable behavior of all sorts: disrupting an academic setting, stealing, and, most disturbingly, not having the common sense to try a more intelligent approach.
Outside a non-descript coffee house in downtown Portland an elderly man who is asking to remain anonymous sips an iced coffee and offers up company secrets. He claims to have been behind McDonald’s Hamburglar character and many successful ad campaigns for the fast food giant. “I mean, it’s not that McDonald’s has ever truly struggled, but one group that we’ve coveted with a passion is the Hispanic market. In fact, behind the scenes we’ve been in a barroom brawl type research and development race with the other national chains for your affections. Seriously, we were this close [holds fingers a hairs width apart] to finding a way to deep fry cola, something considered to be a scientific impossibility. It's like the Holy Grail of fast food.”
“Well, since a disproportionate percentage of the prison population is Hispanic, we knew that there were plenty of hungry children growing up without male role models, so we slapped some prison stripes on some pajamas and merged zoot suit attire with a Zorro sorta thing and that’s all she wrote. We kept the Hamburglar’s hair and skin rather fair because research indicated that a darker character scared even minority children. And the ‘robble robble’ business came about because, quite frankly, when we flip past Telemundo that’s what we hear. No offense, of course. In any event, demographic gold is what we mined.” Many have argued that fast food companies bear some of the responsibility for Latino children falling through the floor and wheezing at the bottom of the pile when compared to other demographic groups with respect to obesity rates, juvenile diabetes, and other important health categories. “What do you want me to do? Minority Happy Meals bought that shiny imported car you see parked down yonder. I aims to keep it.”
After some arm twisting, our source reluctantly brought us to Gordon Panzabaja, a former Hamburglar who is still irate after being asked to turn in his stripes several years back. “Robble, robble,” he exclaimed in frustrated grunts, as he smoked a cigarette and drank out of a paper bag while ineffectively hiding from Constable McNubbler behind a very skinny tree. After we procured a translator we learned that, like the pop group Menudo, Hamburglars have a short shelf life. “The horizontal stripes are stupid to begin with and then they axe us when we gain some weight. I mean, they have us stealing burgers all day every day and then they act surprised when we put on a few. And now that damn Mayor McCheese and his cronies are out to make sure I don’t talk. F#@k him, you know?”
Unbeknown to us, as a result of a collaborative sting operation, Constable McNubbler waited for our interview to be over and then hopped out of a speeding Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile with the monocled Mr. Peanut and clubbed Mr. Panzabaja with the exubernace of a Rodney King beating. Charges have yet to be filed.