Turduckens of Mystery: El Guapo and the Frijoleros

A turducken is a dish consisting of a partially de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck, which itself is stuffed with a small de-boned chicken.

Who is this masked man who smokes his pipe pensively, strokes his chin, and enlightens with every syllable uttered, every word typed? Who is this El Guapo and why has he only recently surfaced. What is his aim? And just how Guapo is he? Much has been asked about El Guapo, eljumpingbean, and these damn frijoleros who have begun to take over the world through a deliberate and methodical global movement.

El Guapo and his band of misanthropic Frijoleros have been described as turduckens of mystery. They are an enigma shoved inside the hollowed out carcass of a riddle and finally crammed violently into the deboned cavern of a conundrum....all of this, of course, served with a generous cucharada of refried beans.

Let's begin with his Guaponess. How Guapo is this man who does not post his image for all to see? First, rest assured that he is the most guapo, the guapo-est if you will. But he has learned that his ideas, regardless of how brilliant (and, they are always illumined and prophetic) will not be ingested if folks are entranced by his indescribable, overwhelming, and rugged beauty. Such is the double-edged sword.

As for his aim...well, that is something else altogether. El Guapo seeks collective enlightenment. He walks the world with his loyal band of frijoleros and shares his divine message - like a Jehovah's Witness, except rather than hiding and drawing the curtains, the world drinks his words like a thirsty desert. He angers and entertains. He enlightens through frustration. He questions the seemingly unquestionable. He kicks ideas around until they lie in an unrecognizably bloody pulp.

And, "Why now, El Guapo?" you ask, "Why do you step forth from the fog now?" The answer to that is simple.

It is time.

Humanity needs El Guapo. His cross is heavy, but he wears it like a medallion buried in his chest hair. He embraces stereotypes until they lie there dead and twitching. Books shall be written about this legendary figure, children shall be named after him, and schools dedicated to his teachings.

World domination is inevitable. Join El Guapo or prepare to lie there steamrolled flat by his followers like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon.


  1. I was so brilliant and it lost it all again. cheez

  2. Why? He says he reveals himself but we are left with more questions? Is he an experiment gone awry? Is he a hiccup of God during creation? Thank God he is on our side. We celebrate his Guaponess!
    Jo Ann Hernandez

  3. Are you sure being guapo is such an impediment to power? Feast your eyes upon fellow Latino Gov. Bill Richardson. Is he not the picture of guapo? This man reached the heights of power, becoming a temporary nominee for Secretary of Commerce. How much higher can a Latino dare aspire?

  4. I thought Turducken was something you made up, much like pie a la mode. I just couldn't believe something that gross could be real. Leave it to Americans to make something that decadent and disgusting.


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