2/25/09

When Times Are Tough, Ask: What Would Julio Iglesias Do? (2)

When Times Are Tough, Ask: What Would Julio Iglesias Do? (2)


The man who laid the groundwork for the evolutionary leap that is El Guapo.

While not surprising, eljumpingbean's "What Would Julio Iglesias Do?" segment has become so popular that our inboxes have been flooded to capacity and the mailrooms at the eljumpingbean national offices have vomited into every available crevice (not like that, cochino/a). Clearly now, unlike any other time in recent memory, the divine wisdom that shines from the legendary Julio Iglesias is obscenely urgent and Julio is the lighthouse that, if we heed the divine wisdom, can keep us from smashing our individual and collective boats against the rocks.

Some of you have written us with your personal scenarios, asking us the simple but profound question: What would Julio Iglesias do?

If Julio Iglesias got his kite stuck in a tree...

...Julio would place his hand on the small of the tree's back (Most people don't know that a tree even has a back, much less an area that could be called the small of the back, but this is Julio and Julio knows this and so much more about everything, including botany, way more than even the the most expert botanist. For instance, in Wyoming there is an entire forest that Julio visited once where the pines now have wonderful mullets and draw birds in with their silky, honeyed, beckoning voices.) Anyway, he'd place his hand on the tree's back, sing a few notes and the tree would absolutely swoon and just like keel over and offer up the kite (Again, not like that, cochino. We really do mean "kite". It's not a euphemism. Seriously, wipe that smirk off your face. Show some respect.).



If Julio Iglesias traveled through a wormhole and encountered himself in a parallel dimension...

...both Julios would have to fight the urge to seduce the other dimension counterpart. And, like matter and antimatter colliding, existence as we know it could be jeopardized through the sheer encounter of pure, unrefined amazingness pitted against pure, unrefined amazingness.


If Julio Iglesias was laid off after years of faithful service...

...he'd start drinking, like the rest of us would, except, unlike the rest of us, a tribe of scantily-clad women would arrive out of nowhere, carry him off on their shoulders and give him employment - if you know what I mean. (Now, it's exactly what you're thinking, cochino).


If Julio Iglesias was on a plane and the pilot and co-pilot died
...

...Julio would calmly stare off into the distance through the window and all around the world people would perceive his dilemma intuitively and immediately run outdoors and form a human net on which the plane would land. Sure some of the folks on the ground might not make it, but some things are worth it.

3 comments:

  1. Very funny. Especially enjoyed the vision of the tree swooning! Thank you!

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  2. Had to go to the hospital this morning for one of my cousins so am posting late. Ah good old Julio again. Dare I bring up the hint I made last time. Especially since there are so so many sexual innuendos throughout the piece. See It even comes out when I write it. That is the big question. Why does El Guapo follow Julio so faithfully? Is it because he loves him like a brother for both being so amazingness or because he loves him like a.....

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  3. Hope all is well. To address your interesting line of questioning, BronzeWord. I love the Julio like a father...Without the Julio there would be no Guapo. He was a necessary step in the evolution that led to the perfection, the wisdom you are now privy to -- El Guapo. While I have surpassed my father in every respect, I must show my gratitude. Plus, I hate to break it to the world, but Julio has the power to impregnate with only his voice, so a good number of us are literally his kids. It is said that anyone born after 78 has a 32% chance of having Julio as his father. This would make a great Maury episode. Such is the power of Julio.

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