2/16/09

EJB Science Corner: The New, Improved Pinto Bean

EJB Science Corner: The New, Improved Pinto Bean

CHIPANCINGO DE LOS BRAVO, Mexico
Many cultures have recognized the many nutritional benefits of the magically simple legume, the pinto bean, but this week a Mexican mad scientist - together with his Bunsen burners, his beakers, and his tub of crema, supercharged the Mexican staple with some slight genetic modifications.

The pinto bean or frijol (free-hole) has historically been recognized as a natural and potent source of many critical vitamins and minerals. Many US Latinos, particularly those with Mexican roots, easily recognize the countless benefits of the run-of-of-the-mill frijol and continue to use it as the ever present side dish. Many in this group have been known to eat all entrees with a full ladle from the ubiquitous pot on the back burner. It is not uncommon to see pizza, a Big Mac, a ham sandwich, or pasta served with a mound of frijoles.

Just a few of the aforementioned benefits of the pinto bean:
  • Increased fertility...Yep, that's why Ximena had 6 kids before she was out of high school. She wasn't lying when she swore she was still a virgin. Some guy sneezed towards her on the subway.
  • Super strength...That's right asshole, be rude to the valet and eventually he'll tear your arms off and beat you with them.
  • Superior intelligence...nuff said?
  • Ability to leap 16 feet and 1 inch (US/Mexico border fence is 16 ft at it's highest....stupid stupid stupid)
  • Ability to use hands to burrow far into even the most rocky terrain (Keep building the fence higher and higher)
Many claim that cultures with historically frijol-dependent diets are on the cusp of an evolutionary breakthrough that the rest of civilization will not undergo for thousands of years. It is unclear what this might entail.

When asked what the genetic modifications will do to the already nutritious and delicious frijol, the mad scientist said, "Not much. Now the bean will grow and will produce its own internal lard in order to make refrying a cinch."

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5 comments:

  1. I see how on your blog list my name has slid down to the bottom and in ordinary color while all the other names are in bright dark blue. Ah storking the genusis is an on-going sensation to achieve a favorite standing. ah a lesson learned.
    Jo Ann Hernandez
    http://BRONZEWORD.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. okay not to comment on your fascinating and intelligent article. It is evident that you were eating a whole bunch of frijols while writing this article. Probably doing your astute research that funds so many of your articles. However, you did forget to mention one thing. Farts. If you are eating friijoles outside at a picnic, one friijol fart will clear out all the mosquitos. Also unbeknownst to the white community, OUR engineers are working on capturing this abundant energy source and funneling farts into fuel to run our lawn mowers and leave blowers. Then we will see who rules! Viva El Guapo's Farts!!!!!

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