PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCMENT: Sure, You Can Rock That Permed Mullet, But Who'll Respect You in the Morning?
This is a public service announcement dealing with a silent killer in many of our communities – the undomesticated and overdomesticated mullet. It takes many forms and affects countless lives, and unfortunately for all, there is no cure. It's this blind fiasco, this tragic hair style that binds us all. Race, color, creed be damned. It's incarnations are varied, but equally frightening. It's results are unquestionably damaging...Loss of respect and credibility, social leprosy, unmitigated shame masked as contrarian pride. Researchers studying the virus have found that if the virus causing the condition mutates into an airborne contagion, we may be looking at an infection rate of over 90 percent.
The white trash mullet strain is commonly accompanied by patriotic tattoos (eagles and flags/ eagles with flags in their mouths or talons), a rusty pick-up truck, and a predilection for pork rinds. It has been described as “business up front and a party in the back” and it has its roots in the powdered wigs of the American founding fathers. The black mullet has only been found in the Jheri curl variety ---see Ice Cube and Easy E of the 1980s gansta rap group NWA. The Latino mullet is a particularly chameleon-like strain. It can be as informal and working-class as the unkempt strain or as disturbing as what has been classified as the most dangerous – the high-maintenance peacock strut of the mullets, the permed-mullet. Asians seem to be particularly immune and are being studied with keen interest.
What makes the situation particularly sad is that children often involuntarily contract this condition from their parents. The Department of Children and Family Services has been working on litigation to have these children removed from parental custody in such cases. The Supreme Court has yet to rule. Remember, when it comes to children -- they learn it from watching you.
Please help. This is not a problem; It's OUR problem. If you know someone who rocks a mullet, prepare to intervene - formal intervention, stealth sleeping hair slash, or guilt trip. Use what you have. Please become a part of the solution.