Jesus confidence that new moves will resurrect his image.
Spock fared poorly in focus groups. The ears. It was the ears.
Jesus Christ to Replace Honey Smacks Frog
BATTLE CREEK, Michigan
In a move that can only be described as unexpected, Jesus Christ signed a lucrative endorsement deal with with the Kellogg company to replace Dig'em The Frog as the cereal's spokesman . While details have yet to be released, a brief press conference this morning did confirm that Jesus will be found on cereal boxes nationwide beginning early February. Dig' em could not be reached for comment, but sources close to him say that all the years of sugar smacking have wreaked havoc on both his physical and mental health. "All of us have really taken on a particularly heavy psychological burden recently. Everyone's blaming us for rising childhood obesity, diabetes, and cavities. Quite frankly, Dig' em's better off. Let see how this "new" Jesus can handle it....hua ha ha," Count Chocula, who himself has recently struggled with bouts of depression and a brief stint in rehab, commented on the development regarding his old college roommate.
Latino health advocates and disgruntled bees have made life particularly difficult on Dig'em, who was born Ronaldo Martinez. Early in his career he quickly became a Latino media darling - often found canoodling with fellow A-list Latino celebrities of the short-lived Latin Explosion. However, now with Latino children ranking near the bottom of every health-related category, Dig'em has received death threats and has been shunned by the Latino community altogether. During a 2001 Barbara Walter's Special, Dig'em, in tears, admitted to a serious Crystal Meth addiction resulting from feeling like a cultural scapegoat. "Why me? I don't put the sugar in the box. I don't put the box in your house. I don't put the spoon in your kids mouth. I smile and they take my picture. I'm just trying to feed my tadpoles, you know?"
Relatedly, speculation had been growing for months about which product/company Jesus Christ would throw his considerable clout behind. Sources close to the Lord and Savior said he was ready for a serious image shake-up, that he felt he needed to become more relevant and leave the perception of the meloncholy sufferer behind. "He wants to resurrect interest in the worst-tasting cereal out there. That guy likes to take some challenges..."