2/6/09

Cultural Impasse II: Electric Boogaloo


Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo

Turbo and Ozone were prophets, the patron saints of race - ambassadors of tolerance.
Let's continue to explore the cultural differences that hinder race relations, that obstruct brother-(and sister-) hood. This week we continue our path towards unity, towards our cultural and racial group hug.

Cultural Impasse II: Electric Boogaloo

We don't understand white folks' fascination with frisbee sports and The Dave Matthews Band, and we don't think Caddy Shack is the greatest movie ever. Also, we don't get the matching family sweater on the Christmas card. Where do we go from here?

How can we come together unless we understand our differences. Here at eljumpingbean, as a way to bridge the gap, we want to hear the things that leave you scratching your head about another race. Let's try to get to know and understand each other. Knowledge is power. The more you know, the more you grow. One potato, two potato, three potato, four. [And other trite cliches]

I have yet to get a satisfactory answer as to why Dane Cook is entertaining...please ask your local Caucasian on my behalf. Please. It truly irks El Guapo more than he'd care to admit.

Similarly, African-Americans- I don't get R. Kelly. At all. Forget the peeing on a minor thing. I mean in terms of talent. Perhaps he is a talented urinator? Help me understand.

Emails have poured in asking Latinos to do some splainin' themselves
. While I am qualified to speak on the behalf of all Latinos (We voted, remember? Perhaps you missed that meeting. It was run on Anglo time.) I will open the floor to any and everyone who may disagree (or agree) with my responses.

One Ms. Crackershank doesn't understand why her Latina coworker can never make it anywhere on time. "Is this a cultural thing?" she asks.

Ms. Crackershank, the answer is yes. What we have here is a cultural safety mechanism that is hardwired into most Latinos. Latinos are Mestizos - a combo of Amerindian and European ancestry, generally. Many of these Amerindian tribes had a very complex view of time and were immensely advanced in this respect. However, upon colonization and subjugation there was a significant cultural shift. When the colonizers announced that they were giving away free blankets, the Amerindians said, "Awhellsnaw" [common Amerindian expression of disbelief that is still used commonly to this day, as in "Awhellsnaw, that bitch didn't say that."] and they lined up around the block. [Yes, we've always flocked to free stuff] So, those who were first in line got their blankets and laughed at and flicked off their friends at the back of the line who had arrived late and had missed out. They went home, snuggled under the blanket, and then - you guessed it - soon after died of smallpox. So, who got the last laugh? [ignoring that the survivors were killed, raped, and enslaved --- but, thankfully, no smallpox blanket]

So, Ms. Crackershank, your friend is, as a result, hardwired to be suspicious and late to everything. Most Latinos will arrive late to a party because if anyone is going to drop dead from something in an Appletini it sure as hell is not going to be them. I hope this sheds some light on the issue and helps you understand your coworker.

Here at eljumpingbean we strive to get at the naked truth...and then point and laugh at it...for the benefit of human kind.

5 comments:

  1. As usual, I learn something important every time I read El Jumping Bean. Amazing that it was the blankets that gave us the small pox. I thought it was the nearness of white people. You just can't trust reading white people's history books. Amazing.
    Also amazing is El Guapo's dedication to becoming rich. Or is all these ads on this page for music just another symbol for the Mexican's love of music, since El Guapo represents all Mexicans. After reading El Guapo's blog you just never know what to trust anymore. Is it a plot by white people to brainwash our kids and El Guapo into thinking they are white? Amazing.

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  2. jorge de tepehuanes, DGO.February 8, 2009 at 6:29 PM

    we dig grand entrances?

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  3. Jorge...I can't hear you. I have a tamborazo blasting behind me and a football-field-sized flag wrapped around my body and muffling everything you just said...

    They have computers in Tepehuanes now? Last time I checked they were trying to import dirt.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wait, this man is from Tepehuanes? Huh? Maybe me and el Guapo know you or one of your relatives! Well, isn't almost everyone related.

    Oh, last time I was there they had computers made of papyrus.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Something I would like to know is why white people put their feet up on furniture in public spaces. Sometimes even bare feet at restaurants! My mother would have slapped me. Do your mothers not hit you?

    ReplyDelete

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