1/1/09

Make Your 2009 the Best Year Ever

Make Your 2009 the Best Year Ever

Let's look at all the things you won't join this year...
--the gym (for longer than a month)...you'll, of course, keep paying the monthly fee because you're convinced you'll start going.
--the cubs scouts (because they won't have you, and, quite frankly, while it may be cute on a kid, the uniform gives everyone the heebs on an adult.)
--a good cause (no one's stopping you, I'm just betting against you. Sorry.)
--the masons (they rule the world you know...but they don't need another member who wants to sit and watch the game and drink a domestic beer rather than actively plot diabolical world domination)
--forces with super-cool crime-fighters (or villains)
--hands with your enemies (screw that noise, they'll get what's coming to them.)
--PETA (you find animals too fun to eat and shoot...hopefully not in that order)
--A fight club again, not after the last time...with all the crying and begging for mercy you did and all that getting pummeled in the face with another person's knee. And yes, I know, we should have seen his knees though.
--the neighborhood watch (you rightfully assume it's an excuse to be a metiche)

But, on the bright side, you can join eljumpingbean, since it requires virtually nothing of you. And when someone asks, "What the heck did you do this year?" You can stand proudly and answer- "I joined LOS FRIJOLEROS at HTTP://ELJUMPINGBEAN.BLOGSPOT.COM That's what I did. Any other wiseguy questions, mom? Get off my back, already. I'm playing Dungeons and Dragons."

However - as a further motivator - in chain letter form, if you do not forward this to ten friends right now, bad luck will befall you immediately. If you do pass us along, you will receive everything beyond your wildest dreams.

Send us out as a late Christmas gift. We're free, and yeah, people are gonna say "What a cheap ass." But you can sleep well knowing you gave them something wonderful...and free.

And you may ask, "El Guapo, why should I join this global movement of brilliant, good-looking people of color?"

1. It's funny and original ...go see for yourself.
2. You're good-looking and this is one of our prerequisites. If you weren't disturbingly attractive, we wouldn't have sent you this invite.

Join us...
Forward this to ten people...

12/31/08

A Lou Dobbs/Rush Limbaugh New Year

A Lou Dobbs/Rush Limbaugh New Year

SAN YSIDRO, California

Rush Limbaugh, Lou Dobbs, and two guys dressed in fatigues and dirty trucker hats who may or may not have been Minutemen, stood in San Ysidro, California and scowled in the direction of nearby Tijuana, Mexico. They threw particularly scowly old ruddy-faced, jowly, conservative white-man scowls at brown people who walked past them in the week leading up to New Year's Day. When asked what they were doing, they turned around and went on a sixteen-hour tag-team tirade against the Mexican immigrant invasion that caused the trucker-hat-donning pair in the background to nod like bobble-heads jacked up on Oxycontin or some such thing. Dobbs and Limbaugh reached such a frenzied state that they began speaking in tongues and sweating profusely as they channeled their immigrant-hating God.

They sprinkled the marathon with hate-spewing, venom-spitting, ire-inducing, mutual-nipple twisting, red-herrings, fear-propagating, insipid oversimplifications, consensual groin massages, pasty topless old man-boobied chest bumps, mindless talking-point chanting, and general foaming at the mouth. When asked if the movement of labor across borders was not simply an expected by-product of globalization-fueled international trade policies which encourage capital, production/manufacturing, and goods to constantly and easily flow to corporately-convenient and profitable locations quite often at the very cost of workers in all countries, they simply slapped each other on the ass and began the exact tirade anew. When asked whether dehumanizing undocumented immigrants and promoting racial caricatures of villainous invaders might be both cruel and a callous slap in the face to the very real humanity behind the issue overall, they put on shirts displaying a very evil Speedy Gonzalez with a sinister waxy handlebar mustache, carrying off bags of money in one hand while a petrified white woman was draped across his shoulder and the constitution was torn asunder beneath his sharp-clawed feet.

When asked if maybe they were taking a complex issue and via smoke, mirrors, and lots of hot-headed bellowing were perpetuating a dishonest oversimplification that relied on much of the same hate-mongering and xenophobia lashed at new immigrants throughout history, they smiled and started a third consecutive sixteen-hour rant.

The four men held strong and waited in the New Year as they continued their demonstration. Lou and Rush rang in the new year in silent anger. After a long pause tense with sexual tension, Rush broke in.

"Hey Lou, wanna go over to Tijuana and check out a donkey show?"

"Hells yeah Rush...we can score some Oxycontin on the cheep, yo."

"Yes...yes we can. "

Both gentlemen held hands and waddled across the border to delight their senses.

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