12/25/08

Holidays Reveal Eshocking Family Secrets


Holidays Reveal Eshocking Family Secrets
MESA, Del Comedor

The Torres family settled down to Christmas dinner yesterday. With copious quantities of alcohol, the meal unleashed a Pandora's box of family secrets. No one was prepared for what ensued. No one is sure that they'll ever fully recover. Fortunately, here at eljumpingbean we have eyes and ears everywhere, and here it is.

The first secret to go was the secret of Pedorro, the family German Shepherd, who has since anyone can remember been blamed for the paint-peeling odors that frequently float through the Torres house. "Oye, he has IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndorme), que quieres?" Ramiro, the family patriarch, suspiciously defended Pedorro while sipping tequila from a cup from an incomplete Flintstones' collector's set. Ramiro saddled oddly close to the dog.

Ramiro Jr., now 19, suddenly had an epiphany. "Yeah, poor Pedorro was a scapegoat all these years. I'm sure of it. Every time mi pa had menudo or cesos or some foul stuff, he made Pedorro eat the same thing. Poor Pedorro just wanted some Purina. Oh yeah, I wanted to name him Tonto as a puppy, but mi pa must've seen it as his one shot to pin everything on the dog. Before that he had been blaming it on baby Raul, but little Raul was starting to talk by then."

Very soon after Jr. announced his realization to the family, Tia Petronila had her own epiphany as she noticed that she'd never seen Carmelita, 25, eat meat, not even chicken - not carnitas or tamales or barbacoa or carne asada or menudo or tripitas. Nothing. She was always eating something green and/or leafy. "Mijita...I don't want you to be offended..y ojala no lo mande dios,... but mija, are you...como se dice...one of those...hau ju say... vegetarians?" Carmelita was stunned silent. The family jumped up and began shouting angrily at her about the possibility of anemia, her responsibility to fulfill her role in the food chain, and the threat posed by the overpopulation of cows. Tia Estefana could not be consoled. She locked herself in the bathroom and cried all night.

"They some sinister beasts, them cows. They look stupid, but that's what they want you to think. Playin possum, ya know? If ya can't trust them, eat 'em, nahmeen?" chimed in aspiring rapper, Cousin Ronaldo, 17, who no longer uses the word "are", does not pronounce the word "you" fully, and ends every other sentence with "nahmeen?"

"Oh, yeah, vegetables have E-coli, no? I saw it on the news. That's why you have to deep fry them, stupid," added Cousin Flaco, weighing 345 lbs. and eating a stack of tamales with a three inch thick layer of melted chihuahua cheese on top.

The final jaw dropper was a collective realization. As conversation turned to the economy, Tio Gonzalo's voice rose to a disturbing level as he threw in comments that made little to no sense. "I think we all finally figured out that the louder Tio Gonzalo gets, the less he knows about whatever we're talking about. I really don't know what took us so long to figure it out. One time we started talking about univeral healthcare, and he went on a rant about how "martians don't need no healthcare from us." Most of it was indistinguishable, but he sure as hell gets loud."

Movie & TV Show Preview Widget