12/20/08

Cultural Impasse

Cultural Impasse --

We don't understand white folks' fascination with frisbees and The Dave Matthews Band, and we don't think Caddy Shack is the greatest movie ever. Also, we don't get the matching family sweater on the Christmas card. Where do we go from here?

How can we come together unless we understand our differences. Here at eljumpingbean, as a way to bridge the gap, we want to hear the things that leave you scratching your head about another race. Let's try to get to know and understand each other.

I will begin...
what's the appeal of Dane Cook?...explain yourselves white people.

- El Guapo

12/15/08

Outsource This (Pointing Angrily at Crotch)

Outsource This (Pointing Angrily at Crotch)
CHICAGO, Illinois

We caved. Dear reader, we caved. While we pride ourselves on producing original, relevant, insightful, divinely inspired content here at eljumpingbean, some of our frijoleros (our contributors) have taken to the picket lines regarding their compensation. Per contribution, they currently receive one economy-sized bucket of lard, a hair net, one sack of potting soil, and a plaid shirt with only the top button. However, these culeros feel that this is inadequate. Management has no choice but to turn to our brothers and sisters in India, Pakistan, and Indonesia who are much more reasonable and appreciative. They are still doing backflips over 1/14th of the aforementioned payment. The excerpt below should give you an idea of what this means for eljumpingbean's content. I think it's clear that no quality has been lost. In fact, many would argue that we've taken a few steps significant forward.

This was written by Manoj Banerjee. However, he will henceforth be referred to as "Rogelio". Do yo' thing Rogelio....throw some curry on our frijoles, dawg.

Welcome to Rogelio's advice column.

Hello, my name is Rogelio. I hope that you are having a pleasant morning, afternoon, or evening depending on your location in the American U.S.A. I will be happy to assist you today with your queries. First, what version of Windows are you utilizing at this moment in the American U.S.A.? Please disconnect all accessories and reboot. As we wait for your PC to restart I shall engage you in some pleasant U.S.A American banter. What American sports team are you a fanatic of, sir or madam? Is your wife/husband/significant other a source of frustration and/or perhaps do they elicit a hurtful sensation in the area on which you sit? My orientation trainer communicated that complaining such as this is a common source of bonding among U.S. Americans. My own wife frustrates me due to her wasteful spending. Additionally, her mother is meddlesome. What are the color of the lights on your modem, sir? Sir? Madam?

Way to go, Rogelio...

12/14/08

Band of Latinas Attack Leathery Women Leaving Tanning Salon

Band of Latinas Attack Leathery Women Leaving Tanning Salon
ATLANTA, Georgia

Three unidentified Latina women are being sought in connection with a disturbance outside a Crispy Caucasian, an Atlanta Georgia tanning salon. While authorities are not reporting the names of any persons of interest, they have disclosed that the encounter took place midday Monday and that the women assaulted, Susan Honkinski and Karen Crackershank, were treated and released for third degree burns (unrelated to the assault) and for psychological distress. Such attacks have become frequent as a growing backlash over the new salon chain has given rise to anger in the Latino community. However, authorities say that a growing number of over-tanned white women, now commonly mistaken for Latinas and Blacks, are now raging through the city in an unchallenged crime spree. Authorities are scratching their collective heads.

The third degree burns on the victims of the attack were, in fact, the result of the tanning salon's goal of enticing pigment-challenge women into looking "ethnic". Owner, Kimberly Kristianson, says that women can select from several cooking temperatures and colors. The most popular choices are Brazilian Burnt Sienna, Original Recipe, Indigenous Bronze, Mo' Mo' Mulatta, and Extra Crispy. The promotion has been a massive success for the company who is currently looking for FDA approval to actually deep-fry their patrons. "I mean, we'll do it safely. We'll just dip them in for like a second, just enough to get that deep Caribbean hue. We're cutting edge." When asked if this extreme tanning was at all dangerous, the proprietor responded, "Dangerous? Look at me. I've been at this for years and I'm fine." However, when Ms. Kristianson left her chair, it looked like someone had spilled a whole box of Frosted Flakes or Special K. Upon further inspection, these burnt skin scraps fluttered off of her and left a disturbing trail wherever she walked.

When asked how they were certain that the suspects were Latinas and not these leathery impostors, authorities said, "Until we know otherwise, we'll stick with the odds, thank you very much..." After some uncontrollable giggling in response to the question, officers regained their composure, and asked for help from the public. Authorities are asking the Latino community to help provide easy identifying markers to help distinguish between burnt Caucasians or naturally darker Latinas. "Lots of dark skin and fried blond hair. Frankly, we need some help with this one."

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