12/4/08

Cantankerous Abuelito Porfirio Analyzes the Economic Meltdown

(Above) The one time my abuelito Porfirio smiled. He had just strangled a man...just to watch him die. He made me take the picture...for posterity...I still have nightmares...seriously...and I developed a noticeable twitch...and he made me hang that silly hat in my room...The guy he killed was in a jalapeno costume outside of a Chili's...Abuelito thought it was a rather racist caricature.

-ENLA, cocina

In my endless hours of service to this site, I seek to find fresh perspectives and analysis of current events. I look for items, insights, and vantage points that might be of particular interest to the Latino community and which might be overlooked or dismissed by the mainstream media. Which brings me to today's guest analyst, my Abuelito Porfirio. He will be voicing the opinion of all old, angry Mexican men (Fear not, he has their permission). He will be providing his take on the current state of the nation - including the economy, the president elect, the likelihood that Texas may soon be a blue state, and other current events etc. etc. etc.

I have asked him for his opinion and am waiting for him to stop peeling an orange into ribbons. He seems to be deep in thought.

Oh, here it comes, the much anticipated reply...

"Pinche bola de maricones. Todos."

"Anything else abuelito?"

"No seas puto."

"Okay... I think that's all, for now. Next week he will take a critical look at Obama's cabinet and the current state of the Latino entrepreneur.

12/3/08

Ideas For Next Roundtable

At eljumpingbean we are here to serve you. We never said we'd serve you well. Frankly, we're shooting for mediocre, but we're confident we are in the mediocre ballpark...at least the parking lot. However, we would like your ideas for our next round table discussion. Our last round table included Jesus Christ, Buddha, Darth Vader, and George Bush (see below). We think we outdid ourselves, but we want to raise the bar. Any guests you'd like to hear from. Give us your wish list, we'll do what we can. We make no promises.

12/2/08

New Study Shows Dramatic Growth in Latino Nerd Subset

White actors monopolizing Latino-Nerd roles? What does the new data mean for the future?


New Study Shows Dramatic Growth in Latino Nerd Subset

- SAN DIEGO, California

A recent poll by a California-based research group, O.R.A.L.E. (Organization for Research And Latino Excellence), shows that the Latino nerd subset has grown to unprecedented levels in the past ten years. While the trend disturbs some, others are excited about what this could mean in terms of Nerd-Latino relations, an area that has a long and embattled history in the United States. A long-time Latino nerd advocate who chooses to remain anonymous, who we will call “Jose” [and whose laces we did tie together...hee hee] says that the La-nerdos, above any other demographic group, have been persecuted and ignored for far too long and hopes that the growing numbers will result in increased solidarity among different factions. “For instance, the Dungeons and Dragones La-nerdos and the Battlestar-Galacticos have never seen eye to eye on much of anything, but these new numbers could broker serious talks among the community as a whole. I mean, they might even be able to move beyond the bloody Apple-Windows Massacres of 2005.” Quite frankly, if we can get together and minimize, or god-will it, eliminate the wedgies, the unwarranted locker imprisonment, the what's-on-your-shirt nose snaps, or even the toilet water-boarding, we can finally step out of the shadows proud of what we are.”

Another source indicates that a yet to be released study shows that anywhere from ten to, at the highest estimates, thirty-five percent of the Latino population actually falls into this category. “Yeah, there's probably one in your family. Keep an eye out for young ones who sniff books, who linger a bit too long on the sci-fi channel, whose pants don't sag very much or at all. An obvious sign is a predilection for using big words when simple ones will work and then scrambling to correct before anyone catches on. It's time that these young ones are able to jump in a cab and shout, 'to the library, man, and step on it!' without fear of judgment or reprisal.”

“If all factions join forces, we can work on developing a time-machine and going back in time and placing bets on sporting events and making trillions – you know, like Biff did in Back to the Future II – and enslaving you all, making you our pets and installing cyborg-circuitry and watching you smudge each others' glasses or scuff each others' new shoes or pants each other. You'll rue the day. Oh, will you ever rue it.”

Silence.

“Oh, dear...I've said too much. I have to go.”

Our source returned after breathing deeply into a paper bag outside the eljumpingbean San Diego office. “I'm sorry. It's just my asthma. Don't get it wrong, there have always been Latino-Nerds in the US, commonly called Nerdtinos or La-nerdos. These labels have, in themselves, proven as problematic as the Latino/Hispanic disputes.

When asked about dorks and dweebs, our La-Nerdo said, “Naw, man, we ain't dorks. To hell with them fools. They deserve what they get...and worse. Oh, yeah...and screw all Canadians. Bastards.”

Another point of contention that many in this group hope is improved is the media's complete dismissal of Latino Nerds on the big and small screen. “Not one brown nerd in any of the Revenge of the Nerds movies. That typifies our struggle. But watch out, bitches. With numbers like these, we shall have the last laugh,....snort and all.”

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