What was once thought to be the stuff of urban legends and spring break pool-side fodder, an unidentified top ranking Mexican government official now confirms. The unnamed source claims that tequila has, in fact, been imported into the United States with the sole intention of setting the stage for a coordinated invasion effort dubbed Operation Reconquest. "Well, who the fuck are we kidding? We've been plotting this for some time. The Mexican government has been watching all of your spring break shows. We've sent spies to your bars. We've seen what you American tourists do at our beaches and resorts. And all we're left asking ourselves is, 'This is the nation that thinks its mierda don't stink? Really? A beacon? A city on a hill? God's mandate? This is it? And they don't want us? These obnoxious drunks who come to our hotels, who piss in our bushes and puke in our ice machines and fornicate like shameless conejos - these are the futures of your nation?' And, of course, it's been building. We have not forgotten that yoke [joke] you call a treaty..." The source who chooses to remain nameless says that the U.S.'s 'no take-backs' clause in the Treaty of Guadalupe was sinister in that it was included into the fine print way down at the bottom where no one reads. "Quite frankly we never wanted the area you call Utah. There is a curse on that land which makes those living there insane. But the rest? Yeah, we expected it back. And we will have it."
When asked why he was willing to share sensitive information about the plan to coordinate a full scale every-man-woman-"shild" [child] bull-rush of the border, he explained that it cannot be stopped. "You cannot stop it. Your stupid children are growing up dependent on our sweet sweet juice and we are sitting in wait, watching the crumbles of your civilization. And then yust [just] like that we will pounce. Every able-bodied Mexican citizen will, when given the signal, jump out of the bushes and overrun your drunk cities like a human tsunami. We will push you all to Canada, what we call the final frigid circle of hell. We will only keep those who will bus our tables and mow our lawns and raise our babies and some we will hunt as game." The source also hints that Mexican women working as nannies in the United States are involved in a related mission, training children to turn on their own parents as part of Operation Reconquest.
When pressed to provide proof that the early stages of Operation Reconquest have proven successful in laying the groundwork necessary for the looming invasion, he smiled slyly and curled his waxy black handlebar mustache with his index finger. "Let's consider a few key points. One, you elected your current president twice. Not once, twice. This is a man who is clearly estupid. This is clearly an act of a peoples drinking the tequila mucho. I mean, this is absurd. It is like nominating a very intelligent potato. Second, you still have the show of el Jerry Springer on your televisions. This also is estupid. Third, your current economic troubles. Do you not think they are due to irresponsible acts committed while imbibing mucho tequila? Fourth, millions of your citizens wear those estupid ugly croc shoes...again a behavior that must be attributed to the tequila. It cannot be undone. I challenge you to try." United States Defense Department officials declined to comment.
Smell Test (When Does Satire Go Bad?)
Hey...you. Vato, you there...Yes, you...step out of your lowrider, please. Can you, perchance, turn down your rattling car stereo and bring your scary friend along. Yeah, that guy right there next to you with his greased back hair and the laugh-now-cry-later-tattoo on his forearm. Not that guy. The other guy. The guy with the tattooed teardrops.
I'd like to ask you both some questions...Oh, sure, you can bring your teenage bride and your eight kids along. Oh, that's cute. I didn't know they made working lawnmowers that tiny. Oooohh how adorable- they have tiny chrome, spinning rims and everything? 22s? Impressive. By the way, I think you dropped your rosary behind you. Oops, and now your sawed-off shotgun, too. No, of course, I'll be brief . Yes, I understand you have a gang meeting to go to. You're the president? Outstanding. Of course. Sir?... Sir?... Oh, come on now! Where in heck did that cactus and sombrero come from? For peetsake, it's winter in Chicago...And why are you napping now? You're gonna catch a cold, sir. Can't that wait? Your children have gathered near my car and I think they're stealing my tires and leaving it on blocks...I'm convinced the smallest one is attempting to distract me with some elaborate ethnic dance or something of the sort. So, anyway. I would like to pick your brain about satire.... No, I said "SATIRE". You don't know what that is?... Really?... No, I just wanted to pick your brain about whether it can go too far - satire that is. May I begin? Okay...stop. That's fine. sirs, please remain seated, this lawn is already immaculately manicured, please put down the weedwhacker and the Corona. I'll proceed if you don't mind...Anyway - is it okay to use our satirical stick to
Have cracker late night talk show hosts gone too far? Racist? Insensitive? Funny? Read this...