11/18/08

AMAZING WORLD EXCLUSIVE:

AMAZING WORLD EXCLUSIVE:
-CHICAGO, Illinois

This week's eljumpingbean exclusive: The networks all want them, but we have them. Eat it, Charles Gibson and Tom Brokaw.

eljumpingbean's weekly round table brings some of the most renown figures in all of human existence together for a few moments of profound discussion on love, life, current events, politics, religion, literature, and television, among other things.

EJBModerator: Greetings. I am today's moderator, El Guapo and I'm truly honored to introduce a panel unlike any we've ever had. This event may just mark the greatest moment in human history. Please welcome the lord and savior of the entire Christian world, Jesus H. Christ. Seated to his left is outgoing second-term president of the United States, George W. Bush. Our next panelist puts the Buddha in Buddhism – please welcome Siddhartha Gautama of the dashboard fatman statuettes for those of you unfamiliar – no offense enlightened one [keeps smiling and raises a plump and dismissive hand – as in pshaw]. To his right, the one-armed leader of the Dark Side, the Sith Lord and star of the Star Wars Documentaries – Darth Vader.

Vader: [deep synthesized breathing]

EJBModerator: Again, welcome all. We'll dive right in. Many people, including me, thought that after the incident at the Applebee's in Tampa a few years back that it'd be impossible to get Lord Vader and Lord Christ back in same state, much less the same building. Would either of you care to comment on the much-publicized feud , and what seemed to have been a pretty intense encounter that marked it's apparent climax?

Vader: [deep synthesized breathing]

Jesus: WTF. Seriously, it's like water under the bridge. Quite frankly I'm sick of even talking about it. I mean we hashed that out. It got a little heated, that's all. We're always bros at the end of the day. [They bump fists] It was about a girl, for dad's sake. It's done.

Vader: [deep synthesized breathing][shrug]

EJBModerator: There have been rumors, though. I don't want to be that guy, don't wanna reopen wounds but...

Jesus: Dude, for real? Let it die. Don't you listen? Alright, the waitress was digging on me. She had a little chain with me on it. [Aside] [Why's everyone always go with that morbid thing anyway?] I digress. So, anyway, I mean, it was all me, you know? This guy decides to use the force. In my book, way off limits. So, I thought he was Christ-blocking was all. I still e-mail her once in a while, but Vader knows that. Bros before hos, man. Plus, I'm the lord and savior. I can pull rank on anyone when need be. [thunder rumbles]. [Looking to the sky] I said almost.

[President Bush poking Buddha's tummy]

EJBModerator: [Trying unsuccessfully to move beyond the palpable awkward silence] Moving on...The United States has had an eventful few months – economic upheaval, a new president-elect, and rising calls for all of you're help. Let's start with president-elect Obama. Thoughts? President Bush, perhaps?

President Bush: Yep. Lots of change.

EJB Moderator: Yes sir, but what are your thoughts on the president-elect and what he's walking into?

President Bush: Oh, [laughs, shoulders shaking wildly] it's a shit-storm, without a doubt.

EJBModerator: ...

President Bush: He's a good guy though. I gave him a tour of the White House this week. Good guy. We wanted to Jaccuzzi with him and the missus, but he turned us down. Said he had work to do. [laughing] I looked him in the eyes like this [creepy intense stare] and said 'What, you're going to fix everything today?' I mean, he's got some shit to learn. His term hasn't officially started. It's like studying for finals before you register for the course. And anyway, if your president is stressed, it trickles down. Like money in the economy, you know? I need to be chill so you can be chill, so we can all be chill...as a nation, a strong, unified, chill nation. I mean, look at this guy. [thumbs toward Buddha]. I'm more relaxed just looking at him. Have you rubbed his tummy?

EJBModerator: I can't help but think that you may have something to add, Jesus.

Jesus: Look, I hate to do this, especially in public, but look my dad and I sort of play chicken every once in a while. When George here was governor of Texas, we kept an eye on him. Quite frankly, lots of entertainment. I don't want to take anything away from him. He got that position through no interference on our part. That was all Texas – we try to stay out of that place for the most part.

President Bush: [thumbwrestling with Vader]

Jesus: But eventually dad and I were watching some pre-season baseball. Split-squad stuff. Pretty boring. So, I flippantly said 'Imagine if that guy got a hold of a whole friggin country.' Dad smirked. That's never good. I went to go get some bagels, came back and next thing I know he was in the White House. And then, after four years I said 'You wouldn't'. And just an aside on my dad, don't tell him what he wouldn't, couldn't, or shouldn't do. I mean he's got a mean streak. Some serious self-esteem issues sometimes. [thunder-clap] C'mon 'thou shalt not take any other god before me?' He means it. He's afraid you'll find something better. He's like a controlling boyfriend. [thunder clap] So, anyway, long story short, he did it again.

EJBModerator: What about Obama?

Jesus: Oh, no. We figured we owed you one. A big one. Dad won't admit it, but I mean...look... [gestures to President Bush who is chewing on the table cloth]

EJBModerator: Well, as you know, we are a Latino-centered community here at http://eljumpingbean.blogspot.com. So, I'd be remiss if I didn't ask for your thoughts. What would you like to say to our readers?

President Bush: Huh? Oh, umm I have a Latino nephew. Nice boy. Hard worker. Helped me “win” Florida a couple times.

Jesus: Hola. I have a message for everyone, Latino or not. Great things are coming your way. There's a shift happening and all humanity will be cool. However, stop worshiping stains that look like me. I'm fucking omnipotent. If I want to send a message, I'll send one and it won't be on a piece of French toast. That goes for all you zealots. Just stop. And for dad's sake, stop waiting for dad and me to do things for you. Move your ass. Help each other. And despite popular belief, I'm not a homophobe. I said 'love your brother' - without stipulations, stupid. If you're down with a literal translation, there you go then. Stop misreading the message. No one misquotes Buddha here.

Buddha: [Still smiling. Nods]

Vader: [deep synthesized breathing]

EJBModerator: Well, on that note, I'd like to thank my guests. Perhaps we can do this again.

[Buddha and Vader suddenly explode into a full-blown knife fight like something out of West Side Story. Round table is overturned. Buddha's cheek bleeds. He dabs at it with his finger, touches it to his tongue, still smiling.]

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