11/14/08

Young Latino Male Found Reading (Not LowRider Mag)

Greetings loyal readers -
The following report is based on information received from a reliable source. While the details are sketchy, we will keep you posted on developments as we receive them. Here's what we know. Our trusted source tells us that witnesses outside a Chicago area
KrispyKreme possibly encountered something akin to the Sasquatch, Abominable Snowman, Chupacabras, or Loch Ness Monster of the Latino world. The witnesses saw a young man who, "kinda looked like Freddy Rodriguez" reading a book that several eye-witnesses said was definitely fiction. Although, it is unclear how witnesses made this determination. One witness, 72 year-old Nectarine O' Connor, said that she is fairly certain she saw one of those Oprah Book Club stickers on the cover. "The young man was so engrossed in the book,"Nectarine added, "that he didn't notice the growing crowd gathering around him. Gapers' delays and a standing crowd of approximately 120 were reported. Eventually, someone in the astounded and silent gathering sneezed. The man looked up and said 'Bless you'. This broke his concentration and he was gone like a gazelle fleeing a jaguar. He stuffed the book into his school bag, gave everyone the finger, and hopped on a northbound bus." When asked about the reader's race, another witness, Geronima Suarez said, "I'm pretty sure he was Latino. I dunno. He looked like my nephew Ricky. He could have been Greek or something though, I guess, but I'm pretty sure he was Hispanic. If that man hadn't sneezed, I'd be able to tell you with more confidence." Of course, accounts like this have been reported in recent years with no definitive proof thus far. Last year a hazy camera phone picture was taken outside a Seatle cafe, but a team of specialists remain unconvinced. It was proven inconclusive and possibly doctored. We will continue to follow the investigation as it proceeds.

eljumpingbean -
Where we get you news you can use, or something

Latino Readers...Where you at!? Where you at!?
For your further perusal -
http://www.imdiversity.com/villages/Hispanic/arts_culture_media/pns_reading_rates_0804.asp

11/10/08

It has begun/ Who is this beautiful man, this El Guapo?

Welcome...

Fear not...


It has begun...

(Mysterious fog begins to envelope us. A sharp chill spreads through the room.)


I am El Guapo. The world is frightening, little one, I know, but I am here now. All is well.


Come closer.

Pull up that chair and listen.


Yes. Yes. That's good.


Wonderful.

Where to begin...?

(I am stroking my chin pensively, staring off into the distance. My pipe is lit. You are waiting eagerly, mesmerized by my eyes.)

Please, stop staring. It is rather distracting.


I am but one man - one amazingly intelligent, handsome, and interesting man. However, I need you. Well, I probably don't need you, but you can join the movement anyway. You must join the movement that has with these words commenced. This is the pebble that is the precursor to the tsunami.

Are you ready? And you ask "What, El Guapo? Ready for what?"

Ready to begin, young one. Ready to begin. (echo, echo, echo)

It begins with subscribing to this blog, with reading loyally, with jumping in, contributing.

Be not a culero/a.

11/9/08

Read this blog if...

Please, for the love of god, read and contribute to eljumpingbean ONLY if the following apply:

1. you are Latino (or you've met a Latino or you've seen one or you've eaten authentic Latin American food (Eating at Taco Bell disqualifies you) or you're, perhaps, interested in converting...Be warned that Latino conversion is an arduous process...Perhaps more on this in a future blog.

2. you thought that Saddam Hussein looked a lot like one of your uncles...the one who sort of looks like Vicente Fernandez. As a result, you thought to yourself..'Ay pobresito'.

3. you've been mistaken for your own children's nanny.

4. you've been waiting outside a nice restaurant when some puto hands you his valet ticket.

5. people have come to you first with questions about how to plant geraniums, the best way to deal with weeds, or any other gardening or landscaping dilemmas.

6. you know satire has nothing to do with your car's dope ass rims.

7. you've ever pondered, even in secret, getting any of the following tattoos: Aztec calendar, sad clown, rotweiller/pitbull, a half-naked woman on or near a lowrider, that shane-shane-shane guy from Three's Company.

8. there's a baby picture of you somewhere with a beer in your hand .

9. without fail, anytime you wear white someone offers you mole, posole, or enchiladas.

10. you go to a kids birthday to get hammered.

11. you watch the news and cringe every time the rapist or murderer is brown. (However, let's consider how this might make an amazing drinking game.)

12. you've sat in a college classroom and been asked to provide 'the Latino perspective' on an issue - because the professor believes we have a weekly conference call where we decide our monolithic opinion on everything.(Not a bad idea though...You want in?)

13. you've been grossed out by the fact that in some countries they eat dogs while at the same time you're stuffing your own face with beef tongue, brain, and tripe soup.

14. you are torn between finding Seinfeld re-runs funny and being absolutely offended by the fact that
on that show the only brown dude in New York is a busboy.

15. you say "supposubly".

16. you carry salsa in your purse or in your glove compartment.

17. you've eaten any of the following with a side of beans: cheeseburger, pizza, hot dog.

18. you harbor some anger over the fact that plenty of people think that "Livin' the Vida Loca" and Univision are exemplary reflections of all Latino culture, and that the only thing that's widely read by Latinos is a MySpace page.

19. you'd be interested in a space providing brilliant Latinos and the occasional pendejo with a chance for genuine discussion about the world and all that that entails...from the profound to profane...including reading, eavesdropping, or discussing with us. Tell a friend. Have none? Tell your mom. Have none? Ay, pobresito/a. All are welcome. Even you.

20. you'd enjoy some damn good satire and a real adult discussion that doesn't take itself too seriously but that offers you a chance to kick around an idea with other brilliant folks (the occasional pendejo is welcome as well...occasionally) till the idea in question is battered and bruised and ready to die... and afterward you feel enlightened, grateful, disgusted, confused, offended, angry, rattled, numb, alive, exhilarated, energized, entertained, insulted, flattered, touched (not like that, perv-o), and/or an endless combination thereof.

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