Band of Latinas Attack Leathery Women Leaving Tanning Salon
Three unidentified Latina women are being sought in connection with a disturbance outside a Crispy Caucasian, an Atlanta Georgia tanning salon. While authorities are not reporting the names of any persons of interest, they have disclosed that the encounter took place midday Monday and that the women assaulted, Susan Honkinski and Karen Crackershank, were treated and released for third degree burns (unrelated to the assault) and for psychological distress. Such attacks have become frequent as a growing backlash over the new salon chain has given rise to anger in the Latino community. However, authorities say that a growing number of over-tanned white women, now commonly mistaken for Latinas and Blacks, are now raging through the city in an unchallenged crime spree. Authorities are scratching their collective heads.
The third degree burns on the victims of the attack were, in fact, the result of the tanning salon's goal of enticing pigment-challenge women into looking "ethnic". Owner, Kimberly Kristianson, says that women can select from several cooking temperatures and colors. The most popular choices are Brazilian Burnt Sienna, Original Recipe, Indigenous Bronze, Mo' Mo' Mulatta, and Extra Crispy. The promotion has been a massive success for the company who is currently looking for FDA approval to actually deep-fry their patrons. "I mean, we'll do it safely. We'll just dip them in for like a second, just enough to get that deep Caribbean hue. We're cutting edge." When asked if this extreme tanning was at all dangerous, the proprietor responded, "Dangerous? Look at me. I've been at this for years and I'm fine." However, when Ms. Kristianson left her chair, it looked like someone had spilled a whole box of Frosted Flakes or Special K. Upon further inspection, these burnt skin scraps fluttered off of her and left a disturbing trail wherever she walked.
When asked how they were certain that the suspects were Latinas and not these leathery impostors, authorities said, "Until we know otherwise, we'll stick with the odds, thank you very much..." After some uncontrollable giggling in response to the question, officers regained their composure, and asked for help from the public. Authorities are asking the Latino community to help provide easy identifying markers to help distinguish between burnt Caucasians or naturally darker Latinas. "Lots of dark skin and fried blond hair. Frankly, we need some help with this one."