SAN YSIDRO, California
Rush Limbaugh, Lou Dobbs, and two guys dressed in fatigues and dirty trucker hats who may or may not have been Minutemen, stood in San Ysidro, California and scowled in the direction of nearby Tijuana, Mexico. They threw particularly scowly old ruddy-faced, jowly, conservative white-man scowls at brown people who walked past them in the week leading up to New Year's Day. When asked what they were doing, they turned around and went on a sixteen-hour tag-team tirade against the Mexican immigrant invasion that caused the trucker-hat-donning pair in the background to nod like bobble-heads jacked up on Oxycontin or some such thing. Dobbs and Limbaugh reached such a frenzied state that they began speaking in tongues and sweating profusely as they channeled their immigrant-hating God.
They sprinkled the marathon with hate-spewing, venom-spitting, ire-inducing, mutual-nipple twisting, red-herrings, fear-propagating, insipid oversimplifications, consensual groin massages, pasty topless old man-boobied chest bumps, mindless talking-point chanting, and general foaming at the mouth. When asked if the movement of labor across borders was not simply an expected by-product of globalization-fueled international trade policies which encourage capital, production/manufacturing, and goods to constantly and easily flow to corporately-convenient and profitable locations quite often at the very cost of workers in all countries, they simply slapped each other on the ass and began the exact tirade anew. When asked whether dehumanizing undocumented immigrants and promoting racial caricatures of villainous invaders might be both cruel and a callous slap in the face to the very real humanity behind the issue overall, they put on shirts displaying a very evil Speedy Gonzalez with a sinister waxy handlebar mustache, carrying off bags of money in one hand while a petrified white woman was draped across his shoulder and the constitution was torn asunder beneath his sharp-clawed feet.
When asked if maybe they were taking a complex issue and via smoke, mirrors, and lots of hot-headed bellowing were perpetuating a dishonest oversimplification that relied on much of the same hate-mongering and xenophobia lashed at new immigrants throughout history, they smiled and started a third consecutive sixteen-hour rant.
The four men held strong and waited in the New Year as they continued their demonstration. Lou and Rush rang in the new year in silent anger. After a long pause tense with sexual tension, Rush broke in.
"Hey Lou, wanna go over to Tijuana and check out a donkey show?"
"Hells yeah Rush...we can score some Oxycontin on the cheep, yo."
"Yes...yes we can. "
Both gentlemen held hands and waddled across the border to delight their senses.
Holidays Reveal Eshocking Family Secrets
MESA, Del Comedor
The Torres family settled down to Christmas dinner yesterday. With copious quantities of alcohol, the meal unleashed a Pandora's box of family secrets. No one was prepared for what ensued. No one is sure that they'll ever fully recover. Fortunately, here at eljumpingbean we have eyes and ears everywhere, and here it is.
The first secret to go was the secret of Pedorro, the family German Shepherd, who has since anyone can remember been blamed for the paint-peeling odors that frequently float through the Torres house. "Oye, he has IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndorme), que quieres?" Ramiro, the family patriarch, suspiciously defended Pedorro while sipping tequila from a cup from an incomplete Flintstones' collector's set. Ramiro saddled oddly close to the dog.
Ramiro Jr., now 19, suddenly had an epiphany. "Yeah, poor Pedorro was a scapegoat all these years. I'm sure of it. Every time mi pa had menudo or cesos or some foul stuff, he made Pedorro eat the same thing. Poor Pedorro just wanted some Purina. Oh yeah, I wanted to name him Tonto as a puppy, but mi pa must've seen it as his one shot to pin everything on the dog. Before that he had been blaming it on baby Raul, but little Raul was starting to talk by then."
Very soon after Jr. announced his realization to the family, Tia Petronila had her own epiphany as she noticed that she'd never seen Carmelita, 25, eat meat, not even chicken - not carnitas or tamales or barbacoa or carne asada or menudo or tripitas. Nothing. She was always eating something green and/or leafy. "Mijita...I don't want you to be offended..y ojala no lo mande dios,... but mija, are you...como se dice...one of those...hau ju say... vegetarians?" Carmelita was stunned silent. The family jumped up and began shouting angrily at her about the possibility of anemia, her responsibility to fulfill her role in the food chain, and the threat posed by the overpopulation of cows. Tia Estefana could not be consoled. She locked herself in the bathroom and cried all night.
"They some sinister beasts, them cows. They look stupid, but that's what they want you to think. Playin possum, ya know? If ya can't trust them, eat 'em, nahmeen?" chimed in aspiring rapper, Cousin Ronaldo, 17, who no longer uses the word "are", does not pronounce the word "you" fully, and ends every other sentence with "nahmeen?"
"Oh, yeah, vegetables have E-coli, no? I saw it on the news. That's why you have to deep fry them, stupid," added Cousin Flaco, weighing 345 lbs. and eating a stack of tamales with a three inch thick layer of melted chihuahua cheese on top.
The final jaw dropper was a collective realization. As conversation turned to the economy, Tio Gonzalo's voice rose to a disturbing level as he threw in comments that made little to no sense. "I think we all finally figured out that the louder Tio Gonzalo gets, the less he knows about whatever we're talking about. I really don't know what took us so long to figure it out. One time we started talking about univeral healthcare, and he went on a rant about how "martians don't need no healthcare from us." Most of it was indistinguishable, but he sure as hell gets loud."
We don't understand white folks' fascination with frisbees and The Dave Matthews Band, and we don't think Caddy Shack is the greatest movie ever. Also, we don't get the matching family sweater on the Christmas card. Where do we go from here?
How can we come together unless we understand our differences. Here at eljumpingbean, as a way to bridge the gap, we want to hear the things that leave you scratching your head about another race. Let's try to get to know and understand each other.
I will begin...
what's the appeal of Dane Cook?...explain yourselves white people.
- El Guapo
We caved. Dear reader, we caved. While we pride ourselves on producing original, relevant, insightful, divinely inspired content here at eljumpingbean, some of our frijoleros (our contributors) have taken to the picket lines regarding their compensation. Per contribution, they currently receive one economy-sized bucket of lard, a hair net, one sack of potting soil, and a plaid shirt with only the top button. However, these culeros feel that this is inadequate. Management has no choice but to turn to our brothers and sisters in India, Pakistan, and Indonesia who are much more reasonable and appreciative. They are still doing backflips over 1/14th of the aforementioned payment. The excerpt below should give you an idea of what this means for eljumpingbean's content. I think it's clear that no quality has been lost. In fact, many would argue that we've taken a few steps significant forward.
This was written by Manoj Banerjee. However, he will henceforth be referred to as "Rogelio". Do yo' thing Rogelio....throw some curry on our frijoles, dawg.
Welcome to Rogelio's advice column.
Hello, my name is Rogelio. I hope that you are having a pleasant morning, afternoon, or evening depending on your location in the American U.S.A. I will be happy to assist you today with your queries. First, what version of Windows are you utilizing at this moment in the American U.S.A.? Please disconnect all accessories and reboot. As we wait for your PC to restart I shall engage you in some pleasant U.S.A American banter. What American sports team are you a fanatic of, sir or madam? Is your wife/husband/significant other a source of frustration and/or perhaps do they elicit a hurtful sensation in the area on which you sit? My orientation trainer communicated that complaining such as this is a common source of bonding among U.S. Americans. My own wife frustrates me due to her wasteful spending. Additionally, her mother is meddlesome. What are the color of the lights on your modem, sir? Sir? Madam?
Way to go, Rogelio...
Three unidentified Latina women are being sought in connection with a disturbance outside a Crispy Caucasian, an Atlanta Georgia tanning salon. While authorities are not reporting the names of any persons of interest, they have disclosed that the encounter took place midday Monday and that the women assaulted, Susan Honkinski and Karen Crackershank, were treated and released for third degree burns (unrelated to the assault) and for psychological distress. Such attacks have become frequent as a growing backlash over the new salon chain has given rise to anger in the Latino community. However, authorities say that a growing number of over-tanned white women, now commonly mistaken for Latinas and Blacks, are now raging through the city in an unchallenged crime spree. Authorities are scratching their collective heads.
The third degree burns on the victims of the attack were, in fact, the result of the tanning salon's goal of enticing pigment-challenge women into looking "ethnic". Owner, Kimberly Kristianson, says that women can select from several cooking temperatures and colors. The most popular choices are Brazilian Burnt Sienna, Original Recipe, Indigenous Bronze, Mo' Mo' Mulatta, and Extra Crispy. The promotion has been a massive success for the company who is currently looking for FDA approval to actually deep-fry their patrons. "I mean, we'll do it safely. We'll just dip them in for like a second, just enough to get that deep Caribbean hue. We're cutting edge." When asked if this extreme tanning was at all dangerous, the proprietor responded, "Dangerous? Look at me. I've been at this for years and I'm fine." However, when Ms. Kristianson left her chair, it looked like someone had spilled a whole box of Frosted Flakes or Special K. Upon further inspection, these burnt skin scraps fluttered off of her and left a disturbing trail wherever she walked.
When asked how they were certain that the suspects were Latinas and not these leathery impostors, authorities said, "Until we know otherwise, we'll stick with the odds, thank you very much..." After some uncontrollable giggling in response to the question, officers regained their composure, and asked for help from the public. Authorities are asking the Latino community to help provide easy identifying markers to help distinguish between burnt Caucasians or naturally darker Latinas. "Lots of dark skin and fried blond hair. Frankly, we need some help with this one."
In my endless hours of service to this site, I seek to find fresh perspectives and analysis of current events. I look for items, insights, and vantage points that might be of particular interest to the Latino community and which might be overlooked or dismissed by the mainstream media. Which brings me to today's guest analyst, my Abuelito Porfirio. He will be voicing the opinion of all old, angry Mexican men (Fear not, he has their permission). He will be providing his take on the current state of the nation - including the economy, the president elect, the likelihood that Texas may soon be a blue state, and other current events etc. etc. etc.
I have asked him for his opinion and am waiting for him to stop peeling an orange into ribbons. He seems to be deep in thought.
Oh, here it comes, the much anticipated reply...
"Pinche bola de maricones. Todos."
"Anything else abuelito?"
"No seas puto."
"Okay... I think that's all, for now. Next week he will take a critical look at Obama's cabinet and the current state of the Latino entrepreneur.
- SAN DIEGO, California
A recent poll by a California-based research group, O.R.A.L.E. (Organization for Research And Latino Excellence), shows that the Latino nerd subset has grown to unprecedented levels in the past ten years. While the trend disturbs some, others are excited about what this could mean in terms of Nerd-Latino relations, an area that has a long and embattled history in the United States. A long-time Latino nerd advocate who chooses to remain anonymous, who we will call “Jose” [and whose laces we did tie together...hee hee] says that the La-nerdos, above any other demographic group, have been persecuted and ignored for far too long and hopes that the growing numbers will result in increased solidarity among different factions. “For instance, the Dungeons and Dragones La-nerdos and the Battlestar-Galacticos have never seen eye to eye on much of anything, but these new numbers could broker serious talks among the community as a whole. I mean, they might even be able to move beyond the bloody Apple-Windows Massacres of 2005.” Quite frankly, if we can get together and minimize, or god-will it, eliminate the wedgies, the unwarranted locker imprisonment, the what's-on-your-shirt nose snaps, or even the toilet water-boarding, we can finally step out of the shadows proud of what we are.”
Another source indicates that a yet to be released study shows that anywhere from ten to, at the highest estimates, thirty-five percent of the Latino population actually falls into this category. “Yeah, there's probably one in your family. Keep an eye out for young ones who sniff books, who linger a bit too long on the sci-fi channel, whose pants don't sag very much or at all. An obvious sign is a predilection for using big words when simple ones will work and then scrambling to correct before anyone catches on. It's time that these young ones are able to jump in a cab and shout, 'to the library, man, and step on it!' without fear of judgment or reprisal.”
“If all factions join forces, we can work on developing a time-machine and going back in time and placing bets on sporting events and making trillions – you know, like Biff did in Back to the Future II – and enslaving you all, making you our pets and installing cyborg-circuitry and watching you smudge each others' glasses or scuff each others' new shoes or pants each other. You'll rue the day. Oh, will you ever rue it.”
“Oh, dear...I've said too much. I have to go.”
Our source returned after breathing deeply into a paper bag outside the eljumpingbean San Diego office. “I'm sorry. It's just my asthma. Don't get it wrong, there have always been Latino-Nerds in the US, commonly called Nerdtinos or La-nerdos. These labels have, in themselves, proven as problematic as the Latino/Hispanic disputes.
When asked about dorks and dweebs, our La-Nerdo said, “Naw, man, we ain't dorks. To hell with them fools. They deserve what they get...and worse. Oh, yeah...and screw all Canadians. Bastards.”
Another point of contention that many in this group hope is improved is the media's complete dismissal of Latino Nerds on the big and small screen. “Not one brown nerd in any of the Revenge of the Nerds movies. That typifies our struggle. But watch out, bitches. With numbers like these, we shall have the last laugh,....snort and all.”
What was once thought to be the stuff of urban legends and spring break pool-side fodder, an unidentified top ranking Mexican government official now confirms. The unnamed source claims that tequila has, in fact, been imported into the United States with the sole intention of setting the stage for a coordinated invasion effort dubbed Operation Reconquest. "Well, who the fuck are we kidding? We've been plotting this for some time. The Mexican government has been watching all of your spring break shows. We've sent spies to your bars. We've seen what you American tourists do at our beaches and resorts. And all we're left asking ourselves is, 'This is the nation that thinks its mierda don't stink? Really? A beacon? A city on a hill? God's mandate? This is it? And they don't want us? These obnoxious drunks who come to our hotels, who piss in our bushes and puke in our ice machines and fornicate like shameless conejos - these are the futures of your nation?' And, of course, it's been building. We have not forgotten that yoke [joke] you call a treaty..." The source who chooses to remain nameless says that the U.S.'s 'no take-backs' clause in the Treaty of Guadalupe was sinister in that it was included into the fine print way down at the bottom where no one reads. "Quite frankly we never wanted the area you call Utah. There is a curse on that land which makes those living there insane. But the rest? Yeah, we expected it back. And we will have it."
When asked why he was willing to share sensitive information about the plan to coordinate a full scale every-man-woman-"shild" [child] bull-rush of the border, he explained that it cannot be stopped. "You cannot stop it. Your stupid children are growing up dependent on our sweet sweet juice and we are sitting in wait, watching the crumbles of your civilization. And then yust [just] like that we will pounce. Every able-bodied Mexican citizen will, when given the signal, jump out of the bushes and overrun your drunk cities like a human tsunami. We will push you all to Canada, what we call the final frigid circle of hell. We will only keep those who will bus our tables and mow our lawns and raise our babies and some we will hunt as game." The source also hints that Mexican women working as nannies in the United States are involved in a related mission, training children to turn on their own parents as part of Operation Reconquest.
When pressed to provide proof that the early stages of Operation Reconquest have proven successful in laying the groundwork necessary for the looming invasion, he smiled slyly and curled his waxy black handlebar mustache with his index finger. "Let's consider a few key points. One, you elected your current president twice. Not once, twice. This is a man who is clearly estupid. This is clearly an act of a peoples drinking the tequila mucho. I mean, this is absurd. It is like nominating a very intelligent potato. Second, you still have the show of el Jerry Springer on your televisions. This also is estupid. Third, your current economic troubles. Do you not think they are due to irresponsible acts committed while imbibing mucho tequila? Fourth, millions of your citizens wear those estupid ugly croc shoes...again a behavior that must be attributed to the tequila. It cannot be undone. I challenge you to try." United States Defense Department officials declined to comment.
Smell Test (When Does Satire Go Bad?)
Hey...you. Vato, you there...Yes, you...step out of your lowrider, please. Can you, perchance, turn down your rattling car stereo and bring your scary friend along. Yeah, that guy right there next to you with his greased back hair and the laugh-now-cry-later-tattoo on his forearm. Not that guy. The other guy. The guy with the tattooed teardrops.
I'd like to ask you both some questions...Oh, sure, you can bring your teenage bride and your eight kids along. Oh, that's cute. I didn't know they made working lawnmowers that tiny. Oooohh how adorable- they have tiny chrome, spinning rims and everything? 22s? Impressive. By the way, I think you dropped your rosary behind you. Oops, and now your sawed-off shotgun, too. No, of course, I'll be brief . Yes, I understand you have a gang meeting to go to. You're the president? Outstanding. Of course. Sir?... Sir?... Oh, come on now! Where in heck did that cactus and sombrero come from? For peetsake, it's winter in Chicago...And why are you napping now? You're gonna catch a cold, sir. Can't that wait? Your children have gathered near my car and I think they're stealing my tires and leaving it on blocks...I'm convinced the smallest one is attempting to distract me with some elaborate ethnic dance or something of the sort. So, anyway. I would like to pick your brain about satire.... No, I said "SATIRE". You don't know what that is?... Really?... No, I just wanted to pick your brain about whether it can go too far - satire that is. May I begin? Okay...stop. That's fine. sirs, please remain seated, this lawn is already immaculately manicured, please put down the weedwhacker and the Corona. I'll proceed if you don't mind...Anyway - is it okay to use our satirical stick to
Have cracker late night talk show hosts gone too far? Racist? Insensitive? Funny? Read this...
This week's eljumpingbean exclusive: The networks all want them, but we have them. Eat it, Charles Gibson and Tom Brokaw.
eljumpingbean's weekly round table brings some of the most renown figures in all of human existence together for a few moments of profound discussion on love, life, current events, politics, religion, literature, and television, among other things.
EJBModerator: Greetings. I am today's moderator, El Guapo and I'm truly honored to introduce a panel unlike any we've ever had. This event may just mark the greatest moment in human history. Please welcome the lord and savior of the entire Christian world, Jesus H. Christ. Seated to his left is outgoing second-term president of the United States, George W. Bush. Our next panelist puts the Buddha in Buddhism – please welcome Siddhartha Gautama of the dashboard fatman statuettes for those of you unfamiliar – no offense enlightened one [keeps smiling and raises a plump and dismissive hand – as in pshaw]. To his right, the one-armed leader of the Dark Side, the Sith Lord and star of the Star Wars Documentaries – Darth Vader.
Vader: [deep synthesized breathing]
EJBModerator: Again, welcome all. We'll dive right in. Many people, including me, thought that after the incident at the Applebee's in Tampa a few years back that it'd be impossible to get Lord Vader and Lord Christ back in same state, much less the same building. Would either of you care to comment on the much-publicized feud , and what seemed to have been a pretty intense encounter that marked it's apparent climax?
Vader: [deep synthesized breathing]
Jesus: WTF. Seriously, it's like water under the bridge. Quite frankly I'm sick of even talking about it. I mean we hashed that out. It got a little heated, that's all. We're always bros at the end of the day. [They bump fists] It was about a girl, for dad's sake. It's done.
Vader: [deep synthesized breathing][shrug]
EJBModerator: There have been rumors, though. I don't want to be that guy, don't wanna reopen wounds but...
Jesus: Dude, for real? Let it die. Don't you listen? Alright, the waitress was digging on me. She had a little chain with me on it. [Aside] [Why's everyone always go with that morbid thing anyway?] I digress. So, anyway, I mean, it was all me, you know? This guy decides to use the force. In my book, way off limits. So, I thought he was Christ-blocking was all. I still e-mail her once in a while, but Vader knows that. Bros before hos, man. Plus, I'm the lord and savior. I can pull rank on anyone when need be. [thunder rumbles]. [Looking to the sky] I said almost.
[President Bush poking Buddha's tummy]
EJBModerator: [Trying unsuccessfully to move beyond the palpable awkward silence] Moving on...The United States has had an eventful few months – economic upheaval, a new president-elect, and rising calls for all of you're help. Let's start with president-elect Obama. Thoughts? President Bush, perhaps?
President Bush: Yep. Lots of change.
EJB Moderator: Yes sir, but what are your thoughts on the president-elect and what he's walking into?
President Bush: Oh, [laughs, shoulders shaking wildly] it's a shit-storm, without a doubt.
President Bush: He's a good guy though. I gave him a tour of the White House this week. Good guy. We wanted to Jaccuzzi with him and the missus, but he turned us down. Said he had work to do. [laughing] I looked him in the eyes like this [creepy intense stare] and said 'What, you're going to fix everything today?' I mean, he's got some shit to learn. His term hasn't officially started. It's like studying for finals before you register for the course. And anyway, if your president is stressed, it trickles down. Like money in the economy, you know? I need to be chill so you can be chill, so we can all be chill...as a nation, a strong, unified, chill nation. I mean, look at this guy. [thumbs toward Buddha]. I'm more relaxed just looking at him. Have you rubbed his tummy?
EJBModerator: I can't help but think that you may have something to add, Jesus.
Jesus: Look, I hate to do this, especially in public, but look my dad and I sort of play chicken every once in a while. When George here was governor of Texas, we kept an eye on him. Quite frankly, lots of entertainment. I don't want to take anything away from him. He got that position through no interference on our part. That was all Texas – we try to stay out of that place for the most part.
President Bush: [thumbwrestling with Vader]
Jesus: But eventually dad and I were watching some pre-season baseball. Split-squad stuff. Pretty boring. So, I flippantly said 'Imagine if that guy got a hold of a whole friggin country.' Dad smirked. That's never good. I went to go get some bagels, came back and next thing I know he was in the White House. And then, after four years I said 'You wouldn't'. And just an aside on my dad, don't tell him what he wouldn't, couldn't, or shouldn't do. I mean he's got a mean streak. Some serious self-esteem issues sometimes. [thunder-clap] C'mon 'thou shalt not take any other god before me?' He means it. He's afraid you'll find something better. He's like a controlling boyfriend. [thunder clap] So, anyway, long story short, he did it again.
EJBModerator: What about Obama?
Jesus: Oh, no. We figured we owed you one. A big one. Dad won't admit it, but I mean...look... [gestures to President Bush who is chewing on the table cloth]
EJBModerator: Well, as you know, we are a Latino-centered community here at http://eljumpingbean.blogspot.com. So, I'd be remiss if I didn't ask for your thoughts. What would you like to say to our readers?
President Bush: Huh? Oh, umm I have a Latino nephew. Nice boy. Hard worker. Helped me “win” Florida a couple times.
Jesus: Hola. I have a message for everyone, Latino or not. Great things are coming your way. There's a shift happening and all humanity will be cool. However, stop worshiping stains that look like me. I'm fucking omnipotent. If I want to send a message, I'll send one and it won't be on a piece of French toast. That goes for all you zealots. Just stop. And for dad's sake, stop waiting for dad and me to do things for you. Move your ass. Help each other. And despite popular belief, I'm not a homophobe. I said 'love your brother' - without stipulations, stupid. If you're down with a literal translation, there you go then. Stop misreading the message. No one misquotes Buddha here.
Buddha: [Still smiling. Nods]
Vader: [deep synthesized breathing]
EJBModerator: Well, on that note, I'd like to thank my guests. Perhaps we can do this again.
[Buddha and Vader suddenly explode into a full-blown knife fight like something out of West Side Story. Round table is overturned. Buddha's cheek bleeds. He dabs at it with his finger, touches it to his tongue, still smiling.]
The following report is based on information received from a reliable source. While the details are sketchy, we will keep you posted on developments as we receive them. Here's what we know. Our trusted source tells us that witnesses outside a Chicago area KrispyKreme possibly encountered something akin to the Sasquatch, Abominable Snowman, Chupacabras, or Loch Ness Monster of the Latino world. The witnesses saw a young man who, "kinda looked like Freddy Rodriguez" reading a book that several eye-witnesses said was definitely fiction. Although, it is unclear how witnesses made this determination. One witness, 72 year-old Nectarine O' Connor, said that she is fairly certain she saw one of those Oprah Book Club stickers on the cover. "The young man was so engrossed in the book,"Nectarine added, "that he didn't notice the growing crowd gathering around him. Gapers' delays and a standing crowd of approximately 120 were reported. Eventually, someone in the astounded and silent gathering sneezed. The man looked up and said 'Bless you'. This broke his concentration and he was gone like a gazelle fleeing a jaguar. He stuffed the book into his school bag, gave everyone the finger, and hopped on a northbound bus." When asked about the reader's race, another witness, Geronima Suarez said, "I'm pretty sure he was Latino. I dunno. He looked like my nephew Ricky. He could have been Greek or something though, I guess, but I'm pretty sure he was Hispanic. If that man hadn't sneezed, I'd be able to tell you with more confidence." Of course, accounts like this have been reported in recent years with no definitive proof thus far. Last year a hazy camera phone picture was taken outside a Seatle cafe, but a team of specialists remain unconvinced. It was proven inconclusive and possibly doctored. We will continue to follow the investigation as it proceeds.
eljumpingbean - Where we get you news you can use, or something
Latino Readers...Where you at!? Where you at!?
For your further perusal -
It has begun...
(Mysterious fog begins to envelope us. A sharp chill spreads through the room.)
I am El Guapo. The world is frightening, little one, I know, but I am here now. All is well.
Pull up that chair and listen.
Yes. Yes. That's good.
Where to begin...?
(I am stroking my chin pensively, staring off into the distance. My pipe is lit. You are waiting eagerly, mesmerized by my eyes.)
Please, stop staring. It is rather distracting.
I am but one man - one amazingly intelligent, handsome, and interesting man. However, I need you. Well, I probably don't need you, but you can join the movement anyway. You must join the movement that has with these words commenced. This is the pebble that is the precursor to the tsunami.
Are you ready? And you ask "What, El Guapo? Ready for what?"
Ready to begin, young one. Ready to begin. (echo, echo, echo)
It begins with subscribing to this blog, with reading loyally, with jumping in, contributing.
Be not a culero/a.
1. you are Latino (or you've met a Latino or you've seen one or you've eaten authentic Latin American food (Eating at Taco Bell disqualifies you) or you're, perhaps, interested in converting...Be warned that Latino conversion is an arduous process...Perhaps more on this in a future blog.
2. you thought that Saddam Hussein looked a lot like one of your uncles...the one who sort of looks like Vicente Fernandez. As a result, you thought to yourself..'Ay pobresito'.
3. you've been mistaken for your own children's nanny.
4. you've been waiting outside a nice restaurant when some puto hands you his valet ticket.
5. people have come to you first with questions about how to plant geraniums, the best way to deal with weeds, or any other gardening or landscaping dilemmas.
6. you know satire has nothing to do with your car's dope ass rims.
7. you've ever pondered, even in secret, getting any of the following tattoos: Aztec calendar, sad clown, rotweiller/pitbull, a half-naked woman on or near a lowrider, that shane-shane-shane guy from Three's Company.
8. there's a baby picture of you somewhere with a beer in your hand .
9. without fail, anytime you wear white someone offers you mole, posole, or enchiladas.
10. you go to a kids birthday to get hammered.
11. you watch the news and cringe every time the rapist or murderer is brown. (However, let's consider how this might make an amazing drinking game.)
12. you've sat in a college classroom and been asked to provide 'the Latino perspective' on an issue - because the professor believes we have a weekly conference call where we decide our monolithic opinion on everything.(Not a bad idea though...You want in?)
13. you've been grossed out by the fact that in some countries they eat dogs while at the same time you're stuffing your own face with beef tongue, brain, and tripe soup.
14. you are torn between finding Seinfeld re-runs funny and being absolutely offended by the fact that on that show the only brown dude in New York is a busboy.
15. you say "supposubly".
16. you carry salsa in your purse or in your glove compartment.
17. you've eaten any of the following with a side of beans: cheeseburger, pizza, hot dog.
18. you harbor some anger over the fact that plenty of people think that "Livin' the Vida Loca" and Univision are exemplary reflections of all Latino culture, and that the only thing that's widely read by Latinos is a MySpace page.
19. you'd be interested in a space providing brilliant Latinos and the occasional pendejo with a chance for genuine discussion about the world and all that that entails...from the profound to profane...including reading, eavesdropping, or discussing with us. Tell a friend. Have none? Tell your mom. Have none? Ay, pobresito/a. All are welcome. Even you.
20. you'd enjoy some damn good satire and a real adult discussion that doesn't take itself too seriously but that offers you a chance to kick around an idea with other brilliant folks (the occasional pendejo is welcome as well...occasionally) till the idea in question is battered and bruised and ready to die... and afterward you feel enlightened, grateful, disgusted, confused, offended, angry, rattled, numb, alive, exhilarated, energized, entertained, insulted, flattered, touched (not like that, perv-o), and/or an endless combination thereof.