6/15/11

Latinos Go Back to the Culture: Representing Your Roots with a T-Shirt? Sinverguenzas, Retroacculturation, and DeLo... http://ping.fm/uUCG4
Sinvergüenza Word of the Day: Attenuate (v.) http://ping.fm/eayvK

3/6/11

El Jumpingbean is Moving... (to The Daily Refried)

Hello-

El jumpingbean is now The Daily Refried.  Come visit El Guapo at The Daily Refried (www.thedailyrefried.com).  Help fight the shamelessness in our world...

WE'RE HERE!

2/23/11

Dear Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker: Super Villain Rule #1: Don’t Give Your Plans Away



http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/7086/216896-15453-lex-luthor_super.jpgHow many times has “evil genius” Lex Luthor had Superman under his thumb – strapped to some kryptonite laden contraption – only to spill every last detail to the Man of Steel in a long soliloquy.  Of course, inevitably, Superman makes his escape and foils Luthor’s perfect plan.

The rebels were able to get their hands on the blueprints for the Death Star and it’s one vulnerable spot and we all know how that went.
http://geekonfilm.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/vader.jpg 
Now, El Guapo is all for diabolical plots and schemes.  In fact he encourages them and has partaken in a few in his day.  But if there’s anything to be learned from fictional villains, it’s to refrain from giving away the blueprints to your wily schemes until they are behind you and you’re the undisputed victor, sitting on your throne and sipping champagne from a cup shaped from your enemy’s skull.

So it’s more than disappointing that Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker committed this cardinal sin of villainy.  A Buffalo blogger from The Buffalo Beast managed to get a phone call through the Governor’s gatekeeper’s by posing as fellow scoundrel, billionaire Bill Koch.  During this call, Walker – speaking freely – went on to outline his plot to trick the 14 senators-in-hiding into coming back to Madison to talk.  Of course, Walker shared:

"If they're actually in session for that day, and they take a recess, the 19 Senate Republicans could then go into action and they'd have quorum...so we're double checking that. If you heard I was going to talk to them that's the only reason why. We'd only do it if they came back to the capital with all 14 of them."

Here we witness another super villain self-destruct before our eyes. 

Your handsome and humble servant,

El Guapo

2/7/11

TOP 10 Valentines Games For People With Herpes

Some estimates have one in four US adults infected with herpes. Make your Valentine’s Day flare up a source of fun and merriment, not shame. All it takes is a little imagination and an STD – which you probably already have or can contract easily enough. Stay sexy, America.

10. Xs and Os – For sports fans – Pick your favorite sport and use the little lesion to set up winning plays.

9. Presidential Cold Sores – label each sore according to what US president it most closely resembles.

8. The Sweet Sound Of Herpes – turn each sore into a musical note, then see what romantic diddy results.

7. Cankership – It’s exactly like Battleship – except with canker sores. Can you sink your partner’s cankership?

6. Twisted Twister – Color each sore, then spin away. Watch the fun ensue.

5. Travel Agent – Can’t decide on an island getaway destination? Let your fingers do the walking. Label each sore a potential destination and then…eeny, meeny, miny, moe… done.

4. Oregon Trail – Using sticky-notes and a little imagination you can revive the pioneer classic. Simply set up a canker trail and have a survival scenario ready at each stop on a small post-it note. You can select the game’s ultimate objective, if you know what I mean, cochino.

3. Monopoly – Great for a particularly harsh flare up. Set up the board, label each canker sore. And round and round you go. Don’t forget to collect your $200 when you pass go.

2. Clue – The first person to trace back the origin of the herpes virus wins. Was it with Lester the Janitor – in the office – after hours?

1. Connect the Canker Sores – what zany design might you come up with next? Unicorn? Tulip? Rainbow? Fate will decide. Well, fate and how well you follow the directions on your medication.

Your handsome and humble servant -
El Guapo

1/31/11

Top Ten Signs That Your Super Bowl Party Party Isn't Going Well

10. It’s half time and everyone’s still trying to decode the Roman numerals.
9. People are taking their bathroom breaks during the game so as not to miss the commercials.
8. After watching 16 hours of pregame coverage, everyone is asleep by kickoff.
7. Everyone’s trying to explain  to your Tio why anyone would wear large cheese wedges on their heads... voluntarily.  In his country, this was the punishment for murder.
6. Your morbidly obese friend keeps shoving nachos in his mouth and shouting instructions to the athletes on TV, oblivious to the irony.
5. Repo man shows up and takes the flat screen, so you put the game on the radio and recreate the action with shadow puppets.
4. The drinking game you started - drinking a shot for every euphemism used to sidestep mentioning Roethlisberger's sexual assault accusation (his 2nd) - has gotten out of hand.  Ambulances have been called.  Stomachs have been pumped.
3. It’s turned into an intervention. Fortunately, you're so stoned you barely notice.
2. Some guy who played high school football insists on explaining Aaron Rodger's mechanics.
1. Beer’s warm, pizza’s cold, and your bookie is at the door with a crowbar.

Your handsome and humble servant,
El Guapo

12/29/10

Sinverguenza 2010: One Shameless Year

It’s getting hard.

Not like that, cochino.

It’s just that it’s getting difficult to narrow a satisfactory list of things that merit the sinverguenza label. The bar of shame has been set pretty low and yet there’s plenty of stuff that manages to ooze under it. It’s not necessarily that the world is becoming more shameless (although this is debatable) – it’s just that the shameless have maximized the available means by which to reveal and showcase their lack of dignity, decency, and decorum.

*One thing that should be on the list but has been left out for obvious reasons are end-of-the-year lists – of which there are plenty. Being that this is the case, El Guapo figured he’d throw his hat into the ring and then dance around it as you might expect. Here goes.

Some Notable Shamelessness That May Or May Not Be Signs of the Approaching Apocalypse

Facebook : Zuckerberg earns the title “Person of the Year” from Time for encouraging everyone and his/her third cousin to share every inane thought that crosses his/her mind. This is compromised of those thoughts previously kept locked in the common sense prison of the brain for most people. Well, the inmates are out. Now your shameless friends will text you a photo and a detailed description of their bowel movements and “…a bit runnier than I expected, but with a subtle fruity bouquet…”

Holy Moly: The world was glued to the story of the trapped Chilean miners, and if it’s smart, the world has learned that Mother Earth is evil and should be left alone because she’s a conniving gal who won’t just pony up the goods without pulling this kind of jerk move. Of course, the world also watched the following clip 26 million times, so I’m guessing there wasn’t too much learned on any front this year.



Cabbage: Really there’s no real reason it makes the list this year. El Guapo just doesn’t like the stuff. Cooked, it stinks up homes to high heaven and then sits their stubbornly and claims the place like a poltergeist. I suspect it makes next year’s list. Up yours, cabbage.

BP Oil Spill: Mother Earth strikes yet again. The year’s top search shows that we were pretty upset by the ecological disaster and were perhaps trying to stay updated on the tragedy and the ensuing bumbling attempts at plugging the mess. However, The A-Team, the newest Eclipse film, and the Angelina Jolie vehicle Salt were three of the top ten grossing films of 2010, so we were apparently willing to watch just about anything.

The World Cup: After a four-year stretch of watching far more interesting sports where athletes are logically allowed to use their hands ― as is their evolutionary right and duty ― the World Cup again arrived to frustrate and confuse many while inexplicably tickling a slew of others to the point of losing total control of their bodily fluids. With offensive explosions ending in 0-0 ties or 1-0 blowouts, The World Cup satisfied a toddler’s insatiable desire to count without needing both hands.

Your handsome and humble servant-

El Guapo

12/14/10

Sinverguenza Spotlight: Parents

http://www.amptoons.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/worst_parents_003.jpg
Perhaps you were raised by sinverguenza parents.  Perhaps you're a parent yourself and have yet to discover that, yes, you are shameless and your kids cringe and die a little inside when they see you rocking the curlers and ratty robe to pick them up from school.  Well, El Guapo believes that it's better to identify sinverguenzas early before they sneak up behind you and stab you with something rusty simply because they like the color red.  So, let's focus on shameless parents.  Consider this an urgent public service announcement.


http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:1OHmxnNGx-OHgM:http://im.in.com/connect/images/profile/b_profile1/Alec_Baldwin_300.jpg&t=1

Parenting is the most challenging and rewarding endeavor that there is…at least that’s what Oprah says. But, like everything else, sinverguenzas put their own distinctive stink on it.

Here are some things we’ve overheard sinvergeunza parents say:
  • “If you’re going to play with that bag of rusty nails and those shards of glass, take it into the neighbor’s yard. That way, if you get hurt, you say you found it there and we’ve got ourselves a lawsuit. Cha-ching.”
  • “Your boyfriend seems nice. And cute. Do you mind if I ask him out?”
  • “We think it’s time you learned some responsibility in this house and earned your keep. From now on, you’ll be doing our taxes, lying to the creditors, and applying this ointment on grampa’s back fungus. Stop crying. It’s about time you learned adulthood isn’t all lollipops and ponies.”
  • “Doctor said you have anemia. Go lick that stop sign for ten minutes, because I’m sure as hell not paying for iron supplements.”
  • “I don’t need a doctor to tell me you’re healthy. Give me that school physical and a pen.”
  • “The babysitter’s a registered sex offender? Well, he’s the cheapest one we’re going to get – and now we have leverage to negotiate a better price.”

  • “Your toys are old? You know that there are little kids in Taiwan who work 12 hours a day to make those toys. Be grateful. They’re always hiring – since they’re constantly sewing their fingers together.”
  • "Quite your blubbering. Want to know why I eat name brand cereal and you eat that knockoff store brand crap? Because my parents got me used to the expensive shit. Guess who’s not making the same mistake?  Now be quiet and eat your Kaboom.”
  • “You scraped your knee? Sucks. God wanted it that way. I know he can be a prick, but you go take that up with him then and let me watch tv.”
  • “Why is there a 10 pound bag of potatoes in your back pack? Well kid, you’re not that bright, so I’m hedging my bets and hoping you go pro in some sport. No pressure, but you’re my retirement plan. Which, as a result, obviously means I’m not that bright either.”
  • “What science fair? Fine. See this ice cube in my whiskey? See it melting? Solid to liquid. Now go get a pen and a damn poster board and write it up, Einstein.”
  • “I pride myself on having low standards and a knack for hyperbole. With that said, your painting was a fucking Picasso.”
Your handsome and humble servant -

El Guapo

11/18/10

WANTED: Latino Al Sharpton (Mullet preferred, but any reasonably electrifying hair-style considered)


As official Latino spokesperson (via unanimous election), many people presume that El Guapo would readily add the role of Latino Sharpton to his resumé – a dapper man, with great hair who appears from the ether in a sharp suit to right racially charged wrongs – perceived, legitimate, exaggerated or in-between. 

You’d be right to assume that El Guapo would be the best choice, but he does not enjoy crouching behind bushes and waiting for racial improprieties – after all, he has things to do.  His chest hair will not oil and curl itself.  His lowrider will not lurch rhythmically of its own accord and cruise the barrio.

But this is serious business.  There is no adequate level of fear serving as a deterrent, enveloping Latinos in a protective shell.  There is a blatant lack of impending public repercussion.  No one fears that a Sharpton or a Jesse Jackson will jump out from behind a mailbox and shoot them in the proverbial knee after a racial infraction at any scale and then hold a press conference.  The closest thing Latinos have is El Guapo’s arch enemy – Edward James Olmos – who, at worst, may simply shake his head disapprovingly from his Beverly Hills rumpus room and brandish a microwave chimichanga at the television screen at news of a proposed Congressional Bill aimed at mandating that landscapers work while wearing proof of citizenship like a Flava-Flav clock.  This, not surprisingly, has proven ineffective at deterring insulting, disparaging, and/or flat out racist remarks and deeds aimed squarely at Latinos. 

Latinos, due to disproportionately low (and then poor) representation in popular culture, need a public hit man or woman to strike fear into the hearts of the couple who finds it cute to speak to their Chihuahua in a cartoonish Mexican accent.  A no nonsense message (of the horse-head-in-the-bed-variety) needs to be delivered to the makers, wearers, and sellers of the following Halloween costumes:



While many of the racial caricatures of the past are overwhelmingly recognized as improper, Latinos hold strong as acceptable targets.  In the words of the wise Dalai Lama "What the fuck's up with that?"

Considering the current xenophobic fires being set throughout the nation, and the fact the economic climate can easily fan those flames, it is time for the Latino Sharpton to press his/her three-piece suit, perfect his/her look of disgust, and rise from the crowd in order to be reckoned with.

El Guapo approached Reverend Al and asked him to consider simply calling himself Dominican and suiting up for both teams.  We eagerly await his response.  In the meantime, we are actively in the hunt and are accepting nominations.

9/24/10

Anchor (Babies) Away

As Congress continues partisan bickering about economic policies and budgets, El Guapo has been in the nation’s capital this week tirelessly trying to ensure that the cretins we call politicians do not advance new proposals aimed at taxing the good-looking. This was put forth, predictably, by a sect of unabashed, jealous uggos.

The burden should not fall to the most gorgeous among us, those of us who already carry the heavy burden of being unable to even walk the aisles of a grocery store in peace without being accosted by lurking and drooling packs who drop things before us only to watch us to pick them up. Enough, I say. The madness must end.

But all of this is neither here nor there. Even with this insanity swirling, El Guapo finds spare moments to enlighten you with his take on the other pending issues of our day.

For instance:

Let’s begin with the “anchor baby” debate that has been en vogue of late. As many politicians recently began bellowing the term and pointing at anyone with a tan, El Guapo came to the sudden and horrifying realization that as a child he had, in fact, been an anchor baby himself. This was both shocking and illuminating.

After this jarring realization, El Guapo came to see, as Lindsay Graham (Rep. S.C.) and others helped him understand, that his very own parents (Guapo's that is) had come to the United States with the sole intention of arranging eventual citizenship. Diabolical. Of course. The pieces all began falling together. And like other such culprits who often feed, clothe, and educate their children until those children are eighteen, it was all done in a slow burning plot to lay immoral claim to eventual US citizenship.

Well, El Guapo did what he advises any other former “anchor baby” to do. He immediately called US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), and after commending them for having the best acronym in use, he reported the actions of his parents - only to be told that nothing could be done. That they were US citizens. That all was well.

Undaunted, El Guapo proceeded to procure several grams of crack cocaine and plant it on both mother and father. Then he made a phone call. As they were cuffed and imprisoned outside a Denny’s, El Guapo walked over and stood near the closest American flag he could find. And the cries from his mother as she was shoved into a squad car were the unmistakable chimes of justice. Fear not, I am not heartless... I gave them a carton a cigarettes and lit a candle for them.

Your humble and handsome servant-

El Guapo

9/9/10

Sinverguenza of the Week: Pastor Terry Jones and The Dove Outreach Center

Terry Jones





The Dove Outreach Center, led by the half-man, half walrus – Pastor Terry Jones (above) – already had the Sinverguenza of the Week Award in the bag when it planned to have a Quran-burning on the 9th anniversary of 9-11 to protest plans to build a mosque near New York’s Ground Zero.
But that act of xenophobic brilliance wasn’t enough for the Yosemite Sam impersonator.  In a fit of inspired glory, the Pastor canceled the event, after reaching a disputed arrangement of some sort where the controversial mosque site would be moved.  "We would right now ask no one to burn Qurans. We are absolutely strong on that. It is not the time to do it."
As of right now, Quran-burning is “suspended” – leaving a wild mustached group of Protestants with stacks of Qurans, lots of kerosene, and some matches – all stuck in limbo. 
Unfortunately, many fear that Jones and company will turn their rabid attention to a more familiar foe – rabbits.  Watch below:


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